Our Story

It was one year ago today that I sat at a table at an open mic night, with music flooding all around me.  The tune of Lionel Richie strumming on a guitar and the singer laying his soul out and scatting his own version of 'Easy.'  All of our friends had left, and there we sat.  Knowing what each of us had in our hearts, but having no idea what was in the others' head.

Slowly I leaned my head on your shoulder, and you put your arm around me.  We sat for the longest time just soaking each other in, watching the music and the people and the greens and reds of the stage lights reflecting back at us.  I don't remember all that we said to each other.  I'm not sure how the conversation started, but I do remember that you told me this -

     "You aren't just another girl to me.  You're special, and I want to make sure that I do this right.  I'm not playing games here.  I'm in this."

And then after I told you that I liked you, and wanted to try this you just looked over at me in disbelief, and I stared back with a questioning look.  And you said surprised, "So you mean you are actually giving me a chance?"

I chuckled to myself and replied, "Well ya, isn't that the whole point of this?"

You smiled and said, "Ya it is, I just didn't think you were going to give me a chance is all."

I sat at that table with questions whirling around my head.  Not sure how this was going to pan out, not sure if I was even in this for the long haul like you said you were.

Oh how I would have loved to have known like you did that this was for sure, that this was it.  But all I had were questions and doubts.  I even hesitated when you asked me on our first date, for fear that it meant that I was then committed and couldn't back out.

For a year you have taught me to love, with a love that is selfless and kind.  You have taught me to trust, and to put myself completely in your hands.  You have given me courage to accomplish things i never dreamed of, and supported me in all my endeavors even when I was scared.  You have stood behind me in testing times, and you have held me up in hard times.  You are my rock.  In you I have found a lover, my best friend, and the man every girl would ask for.

Neither of us comes without our past or our baggage.  But slowly we have learned to accept, to help and to carry each other through whatever comes.

A year ago today I wondered if this was the real deal.  I wondered how this could possibly ever work.

I gave you a chance.  And here we stand a year later, and I am giving you my heart.  Forever.

Where I belong

I haven't really had a whole lot of experiences in my life, being the age that I am.  But I have had a few.  And recently I experienced the first death of a loved one that was close to me.  I know a lot of people have this experience when they are much younger than I am, and I commend them for having to deal with it at such an age.  But for me it was still a hard time.

This was our first holiday with out my Aunt Carol.  And it seemed normal and fine on the outside, but there it was definitely different then all the others that we've celebrated.  You could notice the absence in that house and there was nothing that could be done to change it.

.....................

On friday, the day after she was admitted to the hospital, my family and I went to the hospital to see my aunt.  We were in her room for about five to six hours.  She was on a lot of pain medication because she had just had a biopsy on her liver and she was in a lot of pain.  So she was really in and out of it, and there wasn't a whole lot of time spent with her actually present.  I had a few minutes to stand at her side and to hold her hand and talk to her.  We were all joking around and she threw in a joke or two.  And with her very weak breathe she told me, "You know how much your Auntie Carol loves you?"  And I nodded my head and patted her hand and told her that I loved her too.

Towards the end of the day she was actually put in a chair and we came back in the room and she was sitting up and talking to us like any other normal day.  She was even cracking a lot of jokes and smiling and laughing with us.  We decided that since she was doing so well that we would leave to go out with friends and go see her later on.  That is my last memory I have of my aunt being fully aware and lucid.

I had no idea how badly things had turned until Monday when I went to hospital to see her and they had her in the ICU hooked up to an oxygen tank.  She was barely conscious at all that day.  I went in to see her twice.  When I went in with my mom she was talking to her and telling her how much she loved her.  I stood there and watched and quietly whispered 'I love you' before walking out.  I had never had the experience of seeing someone in that state.  How do you talk to someone you love who is heading downhill fast and isn't even conscious?  I didn't know what to say or how to say it, so I chose to not say anything.

Then came Wednesday when I was at work and got the call that she only had a few hours left.  I rushed out of work and was crying on the way to the hospital.  I don't really know why, but I felt the urge to turn on my radio on the way, and Klove was the station the was on my radio, and the song they were playing was 'This is not where I belong'  I don't know who sings it and I'm pretty sure that's not even the real title to the song.  But I know the lyrics,

"All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong"

And in that instant I knew that it was true.  Though I may want Carol in this world with me, and though it may be easier to imagine a world with her in it, rather than one without her, she is where she belongs.  And as I sat next to her and held her hand as she passed from this world to one greater than can be imagined, I knew that it was going to be ok, because she was with our Father.

This is where my hope lies.  This is where my heart is.

I will not push my faith on those who do not want to believe, and I will not coerce someone into a relationship with Christ, but know this:

With my life, I believe that God is real, and I believe that He cares.  My God is absolutely my everything.  He is my rock, my shield, my Father, my hope, my deliverer and on and on the list goes.  I can't imagine a life without Him and I don't know why you would want to.

A lot of people think that Christianity is just a bunch of rules that you have to follow and things that you can't do.  But I have been a follower of Christ my entire life and I have never felt more free and loved than I do when I am living my life for Him.  It is not a task to follow His laws, it is a PRIVILEGE.

God had done everything for me, and the least I can do is give my life for him and know that one day, I too, will be where I belong.

Parenting

Today in class we talked a little about parenting.  Specifically we were discussing if we would let our children use media and what rules we were going to enforce with them.  I said that I was not going to let my children watch a lot of TV, that they would be limited.  My teacher asked me how I was going to do that?  Like there was no way to control whether or not your child is going to watch TV.  I told him that my child will not be in control of the remote, that if they wanted to watch it then they would have to ask and if I said no, then that means no.

My teacher then proceeded to tell me a story about how his grandchildren came to his house this past weekend and how they were terrors.  Running around Wal-Mart, kicking, screaming, thowing fits, and their parents giving in and giving them whatever they want.

To this I told him that I was raised to respect my parents.  Yes sir, yes ma'am.  You don't talk back, you don't throw fits.  And that this was how I was going to raise my children.  If I told them they were not going watch TV then they weren't going to watch it.  And if they threw a fit about it then they would get a time-out or a spanking. 

To some, this may seem extreme.  Why not just turn on the TV so your kid will shut up and be out of your hair?  Just give them what they want, its not that big of a deal.  Remember those children that you see at the grocery store, stomping and screaming really loud because they want the candy or the toy?  And you say, why can't those parents control their kids?  That is why.  When you let your children dictate what they get and when they get it then they are controling you.  You no longer become the authoritarian in the household, your child is.

Some would also say that when parents raise their children like this then they are going to resent their parents and be even worse children.  To me, you must create a balance in your household.  You can't just tell you kids the way it is and then shut them in their room for four hours a night.  You need to spend quality time with them, and show them caring and love.  You need to be a parent.  Which means being a caregiver, and authoratative figure, a guider amongst many other things. I'm not going to tell my kids no just for the heck of it, and sometimes if they ask for something I might oblige, but I'm going to use my best judgement to decide what I should do in each situation.  Whether that be a spanking, a lecture, a friendly chat, a no, or even a yes.  One thing is for certain, I will demand respect from my children.  Plain and simple.  I am their parent.  The Bible says to honor your father and mother.  Honor is defined as the highest form of respect.  That's biblically what we should expect from our children, and the only way they will learn that is if you enforce it.


It will be my responsibility as a parent and as a Christian to raise children that will go into the world and better society.  Through their attitudes, their actions, and their relationships.  The road to get there... well, that's your choice.  I've made mine.


Proverbs 13:24 - "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them."

Proverbs 23:13 - "Do not withhold discipline from a child..."

Exodus 20:12 - "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you"

God is my Victory, and He is Here

Everybody has something that move them a certain way, and mine; like many others, is music.  When I hear a certain song, or think and reflect on the lyrics it has a way of moving my soul.  God knows this about me, and tonight when I was thinking about all of the bad things that are going on my life he put this song in my head.  One that I just learned a few months ago for worship team, but one that I had fallen in love with.  The song just stuck in my head and I knew that I had to go listen to it.

So I laid down on my bed with my Bible and my ipod, ready to listen to it while I did my devotional reading.  But as the song began playing, I just closed my eyes and laid my head in my hands and listened to the words that were pouring into me. 

This is my prayer in the Desert
when all thats within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
my God is the God who provides

This is what was on my heart tonight, and for along while previously.  I have many things in my life that I wish were happening and going, but yet I feel like nothing is moving along.  And I sit and I dwell on these things and I feel like my life is somehow incomplete, or my life is somehow not good enough until these things start to happen.  In my mind, nothing is well until I get what I feel I need.  And yet somehow, even when God gives me some of the desires that I long for, there is still a long grocery list there for me to count off from.

Then, the bridge of the song came on.  And I knew these words were for me:

all of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship

Over and over again I heard them singing those words and I realized just how selfish I was being.

Yes, I may not have a job, I may be single and getting nowhere nearer to my dream of being married, I may feel far from home, I may feel alone sometimes, but there are still things to praise about.  I have a suite full of amazing God-fearing women who are inspiring me and moving me to be the woman of God that I know I can be.  I am at a school where I can feel God moving in my life more than ever, I have food to eat, I am getting a fantastic education, I live in a country where I won't be killed for my faith, I'm getting plugged in at an amazing church, and I'm getting involved in an awesome ministry... On and on and on the list goes.  In EVERY season, HE is still GOD.  That doesn't change because you have a bad day, or because things don't go your way.  There are so many other amazing things that God has done and is doing in my life, and all I can focus on is what isn't happening.

Phillipians 4:8 says this "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things"

I love the Lord my God with all of my heart, and I know that he has this amazing plan for me.  My God is the God who provides, and He has provided abundantly for me.  My fears about tomorrow shouldn't stand in the way of my praise today.

I love what Pastor Jason Burns said at Access on Sunday
                     "What you fear, sets the boundaries for your freedom."

All I know is that I want complete and total freedom in my Father, and that can only be done by giving up my fears and anxieties of what I think I need and giving it up to him.

Phillipians 4:5-6 "The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I will bring praise, I will bring praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain, I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my victory and HE IS HERE

Take me where You please

And these three remain

FAITH
     HOPE
       and LOVE.

I am a hard headed person.  And I know that it takes a lot to get through to me.  A LOT.  Because when I want something, I want it.  I'll stop at nothing until I've reached my goal.  And I do this thing, where I put all of these stipulations on my life.  I want this, and I'm going to do that.  This is how my life is going to be.  And God says, no. 

Proverbs 16: 9
       In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

I'm sitting here telling God (and do you realize how not smart it is, when you are telling the almighty God something) the way I want my life to go.  I'm demanding this and saying that I need this.  I'm saying that come four years down the road, this is where my life will be.  And God is just sitting there shaking his head at me.

HE made me.  HE has a plan for me.  But my thick head can't comprehend that.  Which is why God has to break me.  Utterly and completely break me, before I listen.  And so he has.

Sitting at renew on Tuesday I could feel His presence.  It was one of those worship times where instead of singing and shouting his praise, I felt like I was supposed to sit back and enstill myself in the presence of the Lord.  So I laid my head back against the wall, closed my eyes and let the glory of my Father wash over me.  I didn't know this then, but I realize now that He was preparing my heart.  I've had a lot running through my mind lately and its hard for me to push it all out while listening to sermons.  But during this praise and worship time I could just feel my mind being washed and becoming an empty slate for God to write His words on.  So by the end of worship time my heart was ready to get completely wrecked by God.

Chris Owen comes up, and starts talking about Charath.  And charath means to be cut down to size.  He spoke on the story of Elijah and all that he had to go through before he was at the place that God wanted him to be.  I think one of my favorite things that he said was, "Sometimes God will dry up the rivers in your life in order to get you to move somewhere else."  But throughout this sermon I knew it was me.  I knew that God wanted me to hear this.  And it wasn't any specific thing that he had said, or a certain emotion that I felt, I think it was just the state of my heart; but leaving the coffee shop all I felt like doing was crying.  I just felt like sitting down and balling my eyes out.

What I realize is this:

My life is not my own.  I was made for a purpose, and I was made with a plan.  I'm holding onto the rope of my life so tightly that I'm leaving no room for God to place His hands and take over.  All I keep saying is, its mine, its mine, its mine when God is telling me to give it to Him and He'll take care of it all.  So, here it is.  I'm giving it up, and laying it down.  My life is yours, take me where you please.


I'll leave you with some songs that God has been putting on my heart:

Your thoughts are higher than mine.  Your words are deeper than mine.  Your love is stronger than mine.  This is no sacrifice, here's my life.

Your will above all else, still my purpose remains.  The art of losing myself in bringing you praise.  My heart and my soul Lord I give you control, consume me from the inside out.

Calling

Well, what a fun filled weekend I had with some awesome ladies. But I think the best thing of all was sitting and listening to jessie's mom talk.

We were sitting at the breakfast table this morning all talking different things and then she just began talking about Gods will for our lives and how we are servants and such. And I really loved it. You could feel the spirit of God moving through that woman and everything she said had relevance in my life. She really reminded me of how we are to live our lives ministering to others and caring for those in need.

Often, especially lately I have been struggling with the fact that I haven't felt this huge calling on my life. I've been begging God to reveal to me what His plan is and what I'm supposed to be aiming for. And slowly but surely I've realized that I've had the calling all along I was just ignoring it because I didn't think it was big enough to be a life mission. But it is! No job is too small of a job in the kingdom of God! I may not be called to go serve as an underground missionary in China, but I know what I am called to do and I know that it's going to make a difference in some lives. I know that I am going to change somebody's life and that shows me that my calling is enough.

I am sitting in the living room of my new suite in Florida, posting this blog.  I look back to six months ago and I can hardly believe that I am sitting where I am right now.  It took a lot to get here and to be completely honest I never thought that it would happen.  Now here I am and its happening as I speak.

The trip down to Florida was great.  I drove and my sisters rode with me.  We stopped at hotels and restaurants, and the beach.  It was a complete blast and I was actually really excited for Southeastern, and I was quite anxious to get there.  Once I got there I met my suite mates and moved into my room and continued spending time with Tash and Mary and I would spend a little time with my suite mates.  But Monday, oh Monday is when it all hit me.

I drove Tash and Mary to the airport and said my good-byes, and as I was pulling away from the curb I could feel the tears welling in my eyes.  So I decided to be the sappy girl I am, I pulled out my ipod and I put on 'All by Myself' by Celine Dion.  And I cried and I sang at the top of my lungs as I was driving down the highway (and yes, I'm sure it was a great sight).  But then I just stopped and thought to myself, how is this helping me at all?  How is singing about how alone I am going to make me feel any better?  And I swear I just felt the calling of the Lord to put on some sort of worship music.

So I flipped through my ipod searching for a song that I felt would be good, and 'Wrap me in Your Arms' popped out at me so I put it on repeat and let it go.  It was then that the Lord began to speak to me.  Now I am quite the stubborn person, so I began to argue with God (and ya, your never going to win that fight).  But I told Him how mad I was.  How he brought me so far from home all by myself and left me feeling like this.  Why would he do that to me?  Why couldn't he just have let me stay in Iowa with all of my family and friends?  Why in the world would you want me to feel like this God?

And my God being such a patient and loving God as He is let me argue with him, or more, He let me rant at Him.  And his answer came simply;

"You need to learn to let Me and only Me support you"

You see this is my problem.  I rely on my family and my friends, I rely on the comfort of my everyday life and so I never step outside of my box.  God knew this, I did not.  I was basically so content with my relationship with God that I stopped building it.  I sat in church, I played on worship team, I talked about faith, but I was no longer seeking God with passion and fire.  Somewhere along the way I had lost it; all because of comfort and contentedness.

This is why God took me from Iowa and moved me here.  Where I can no longer rely on my family, and I can no longer rely on my friends, I can no longer rely on the ordinary.  The only person that I can rely on now is God.  And He worked this all out so that is how it would end up.

I love what our campus pastor said the other day in chapel, because it applies so infinitley to my life.  He was talking about how we go around all the time questioning and debating and fighting the question: Can I trust God?  Can I trust God?  And the answer is always Yes, Yes and 100% yes.  The question isn't can you trust God, its can He trust you?

I was sitting there saying 'God I don't know if I can trust you.  I don't know if I can do this.  I just don't know God.'  And that is so wrong because, let me map this out for you here:

GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING

Even before you were formed in the womb he knew how many hairs were on your head.  He knows who you are, who knows what you need, and he knows the plan for your life.  You can guess and plan all you want, in the end God is always right.