Realization

So many of you know that this past week I was on a trip to Florida.  I've decided to sum up my trip in one word phrases.  I will explain a little later, but first, just let the words tell the story.  Feel free, let your mind wander.

Flying, ears, pain, late, shorts, cooking, beach, roxanne, GPS, Bi-polar, Idiot, St. Augustine, cool, pew-pew-pew, ow, schizofrania, early, Southeastern, love, God, prostitute, newbies, late, GPS again, bye.

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I flew on my very first plane last Thursday.  It was quite an experience.  I loved it a lot, and I was very stoked to cross off my very first item on my bucket list.  Another thing that awed me was the sun.  In the Quad Cities it was a rather doom-and-gloom day.  But once we were up in the air we got past the clouds and into the sun.  It was like a pure wall of dark clouds and then this big bright sun.  God does some awesome art work.  Try and beat that Van Gough.

But then at the end of both of my flights I got a pain in my ears.  Now I know the first thing that is going to come out of your mouh, 'you should've chewed gum!'  I am here to tell you that I was chewing gum.  I was chewing it vigorously.  My jaw hurt because I was chewing my gum so hard to try and get this pain to go away.  But it didn't.  It got worse and worse.  It felt like someone was stabbing my ears with knives, and I was literally sitting there in tears because it hurt so bad.  I thought it was interesting and made flying a little less fun.

I got there at 1230 and we didn't get to Anna's till 330.  Needless to say, I was exhausted.  We did a lot of cooking all week long, which was a blast.

We went to the beach, which was 15 minutes away from Anna's home.  And we used her GPS (first the husband GPS, then the real one) and it took us 2 and a half hours to get to that stinking beach.  It was insane.  Then on the beach we met Roxanne (who we named) and she thought she was some hot stuff on this beach.

*picture to come of dear Roxanne*

Then on the way home, Anna thought she was smarter than the GPS but got us lost.

I finally went on a college visit to the college that I have wanted to go to for three years.  I am so happy that my very dear friend encouraged me to go and look at it, because it is going to change my life.

I went on the visit and I fell in LOVE.  The campus is beautiful, the people are great, and God is everywhere!  It was like, everything I've ever been looking for in a school.

I feel like I've been on a journey the past few months.  I started walking down this path and God laid out a puzzle peice in front of me.  He then told me to pick up this puzzle peice and continue on.  Don't question the puzzle peice, don't worry about it.  Just pick it up, remember it, and keep on going.

Then while I'm walking, I come upon another puzzle peice.  Slowly I begin to pick up more and more and suddenly I have this little stash starting to form.  Then I got to Southeastern and God took all of these puzzle peices from me and laid them out before my very eyes.

He showed me my past, my present and my ever dear future.  He showed me what my life will be like.  He showed me what he wanted from me, and what he wanted for me.  I saw it all so clearly, and there wasn't even a question in my mind.

I always thought that if the day ever came when I would make this decision that there would be some sort of questioning, or worrying.  Its a big decision to move so far away.  But when its right, its right.  God totally put my heart at ease, and that was the final peice in the puzzle.  I knew; beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is right,

I prayed and prayed and prayed that I would be able to know what I was supposed to know.  That God would speak to me, and boy did he ever.

I am now at the point where I am excited for what is going to come, and I can hardly wait.  A lot of you may have different points of views on this, but let me tell you this-

God is greater than distance
     God is greater than your fears
           God is greater than your connections
   God knows what will make you happy
                            GOD knows, and he'll let you in on the secret if you ask.

God spoke this to me while I was sitting in Chapel at SEU:

              'You are God, of all else I'm letting Go'

And that is exactly what I'm doing.  I'm letting go of my fears, I'm letting go of my firm grasp on my family and friends, I'm letting go of what I do not know, I'm letting go of me and I'm giving it all to God.  This is my life, and I am loving it.

I   c a n n o t   e x p l a i n   t o   y o u   h o w   e x p o n e n t i o l l y   h a p p y   I   a m   r i g h t   n o w.

Miles and Minutes

Had a wonderful night with my lovely friends tonight.  Just sitting around and eating pie, and chatting.  Chatting about lots of life things, boys, girls, friends, work, school etc... etc...  It was wonderful to get together again and just talk, because a lot of us are busy and never really get the chance to talk to eachother.

Spending even these small few minutes out of my week with these important people was wonderful.  I realized how little I get to see these dear friends, and how much more I should cherish my time with them.

Lately I've been considering some big changes in my life and I'm torn as to what I'm supposed to do.  There has been a lot of prayer, a lot of research and a lot LOT of list making going on.  And no matter how much I talk about it, or no matter how many lists I make out, its not getting me closer to my decision.

There are a lot of consequences to think about, and a lot of things that are going to result from my making of this decision.  And that is a lot of pressure for me.  I can't make decisions as it is, but then theres this huge life changing thing, and I don't know what to do...

It's a lot of change, and a lot of thought.  Things I think I may need in my life.  So maybe this is a good thing.  I'm hoping and praying that this is a good thing.

Confessions

Lately I have been in a deep state of thought.  Lots of things going in and out.  Mostly they are just staying in and mulling around up in there.

Many of you have heard me say that working at a daycare has made me not want to have kids until I am 40.  That was for many reasons.  I see all of these poor little children get dropped off at five or six in the morning, and then they don't get picked up until five or six at night.  While they are at daycare, that is their home.  They spend more awake and functioning hours at that place, than they do in their own home with their parents.  And this is the price these children pay for their parents wanting careers, or wanting children at the wrong time.  Now I try as hard as I can not to pass judgement on these parents, because yes, I know I know, everyone has their reasons and I don't know the whole story there, but still.  This is the basic story of many of the children there.  Also, I have seen parents with their children trying to live their lives.  They can't really go anywhere or do anything because they have their children to take care of.  Their world is no longer about them, it is all about their children. 

Now not to sound selfish, but I am going to here in the next few minutes.  Seeing these things is why I didn't want to have children until later on.  Because things had changed since I was 10, and I didn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore.  I had all of these plans for a big career and for lots of things to happen after college.  I wanted lots of things in my life, and I did not want a child to interfere with that.  I also wanted to the freedom to live my life.  To spend years with my husband.  I wanted to be able to travel, to go out with friends, to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without the restraint of children at my side.  All of these things were at the forfront of my mind and no child was going to change that.  I would wait a long time until I was old and seasoned, and then I would bring a child into the world.  That was my plan, and I was ok with it.

Now I bet all of you are thinking, omg, she's pregnant.  Haha, no I most certainly am not.  But I have been thinking about my future life and motherhood lately.  Things have been shifting around and my priorities are re-aligning.  A career is no longer as important to me, living my life is no longer important to me.  Sure its there, but its not what I'm reaching for the most.

I have been reading a blog lately, by a mother.  She loves her children dearly and spends every moment that she can with them.  She absolutley adores her children, and you can see the unconditional love that she has for them.  That is the missing puzzle peice that I could not find when considering having children.  All I could ever see was the negativety of having children, and see these children basically abandoned at a daycare for twelve hours a day.  I was missing the thing that makes having children such a beauty.  I wasn't seeing the love, the wonderment and the joy of having and raising a child of your very own.

This is what I want.  And now that I have realized this, things have changed.  Sure, I would like to have a few years with my husband before I do have children.  But when the day comes that I do bring a child into this world, I want to be there for my child.  I want to love that child with my whole heart and I want to be there for every step, leap and fall.

Now I know that I have spent all of my Sunday afternoon doing homework, and preparing schoolwork.  And I know that I am not ready to have a husband, child or family.  But I now know that I am ready to start getting there.

Right Now

Right Now I am doing everything and I am doing nothing. There are things that important and things that mean absolutley nothing, and I'm doing them all. I feel complacent. And yet I feel simultaneously happy. Right now I feel kind of a vast array of emotions and thats ok.

Right Now I have a million different things going through my head and I wish I knew which path to take out of the seventy dirt roads spreading out before me. I am peaking down each one, just trying to get a glimpse at what my future would be like if I were to take it, and wondering if it is going to make me happy. I don't know what to do and I really wish I did. Right now, I am wishing that I had some sort of secret Book OF life, where I can look inside of it and see what my answers are supposed to be.

I have people asking me what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and all I can say is that, because it feels right. But thats not good enough because I need to have a list of priorities, and I need to make sure that I am doing what is going to fulfill my priorities and make me have a good life. And that is a lot of pressure to put on one measly college age student. I have my priorities, but it is very hard to know exactly which direction is going to bring me the greatest success.

So, right now, I have no idea. I'm going to go where the Lord leads me. I'm going to do what feels right, I'm going to do what makes me happy. I'm going to do it, because its my decision and I'm making it for me.

Right Now... I'm living life for me.

Post of the New Year

So its a New Year. Its a fresh slate. The world is your oyster. There is an ocean of possibilities in front of you. The only question is, will you reach out and take it? Will you take a leap of faith and explore a world full of open doors and windows?

My answer is yes. I am very tired of living the same old life, and doing the same old thing. I am getting very bored with the way things are, and I want to do something about it. I'm ready to make a change, I'm ready to endeavor on an exciting new adventure. I am ready for life. Full tank, feel speed, full time.

2011, bring it on!

I'm in love with College Winters

On go my boots, and my scarf, gloves and hat. I have on leggings and socks up to my knees. Then my coat gets zipped up to my neck and down the hall I go. Once outside I get blasted with a gust of cold winter air, as I brave the cold to get to class. Unlike the snow in the city; when you walk around a college campus, there are no plows or cars that ruin the snow and turn it black and shades of brown. When it snows on a college campus, layer after layer of snow just begins to lay one on top of the other. It is not dirty or mushy and wet, instead, its powdery and glitters, and blows across the campus in swift sheets and swirls of white. Just about everytime that I step out the door it is snowing, just a soft downfall from heaven with thick white snowflakes that land on and stay on the winter apparell that I am adorned with. I am in love, with college winters.

There are Things

There are things in this world,
things that amaze
things that confuse
things that last
and things that break your heart.

Some things you can't figure out. Some things stare you in the face, and others bring great joy and contentment to your life.

Right now, I must say that I am at a place that is in cross roads in my life. I'm not yet happy, but I know that I'm well on my way. On days when I feel like I am never going to get there, and never going to be able to reach my dreams, I look at the beauty of God's creation and the things that he has placed in my life.

Things like my amazing friends who love me very much, and whom I love with all of my heart. They are there for me through everything and I know that I can go to them with everything and anything. Many people grow up and they have their friends who come and go in and out of their lives, but I have been blessed with this amazing group of people that have been in my life for as long as I have had friends. I don't consider them my friends, I don't even consider them my best friends. I consider these people part of my family, and I am completely and utterly blessed with all of them.

Also things like the gentle falling of a light wintery snow. I used to be one of those downers who hated winter because it was cold and disgusting, but my heart has really opened to it this year. I see the snow and the beauty of the red berries against the bare tree and I just stare in amazement. God has created some amazing things in this world. And looking at them daily brings my heart to a place of wonder and amazement for my creator and all of the things he has given me.

I pray that soon I will know where I am supposed to be, and that I will know it is the right choice and the right place for me. Soon, soon, soon.