It's Here

The constant ache and scratch at the back of my throat, the sniffling and sneezing, dripping and stuffed up nose, the handfuls of tissues and the ever present Halls fruit breezer in my mouth can only mean one thing...

It's here.  Spring is finally here!  After long grueling months of snow and ice and ick, spring has sprung upon us and its finally time for capris and t-shirts and playing outside with the kids!  Of course there are so many other things that indicate that spring is here other than my allergies, like, driving with the windows down, wearing opened toed shoes, walking outside and not even having a second thought about a jacket, really warm days and really cold nights, the beginnings of a tan, and of course my favorite, softball practice!

So I promised you this, so here it is, Roxanne.  Mine and Anna's friend at the beach.

Now some of you may say that this is mean, but seriously she was strutting her stuff all up and down the beach.  She thought that she was some hot smoking stuff.

So, I am extremely excited about leaving for Florida in four short months, but one of the sad things is that I have to give up my puppy Dudlee.  I love him very much, and I'm going to miss him, but for now we're just enjoying our good times with his neice and nephews.

Florida is creeping up on me and a lot of people have different opinions on it.  But for one final (I hope) time let me reassure you all that this has been prayed about for months, this has been discussed with God, and I am 100%  P O S I T I V E that this is his plan for my life.  I know that he has great things planned for me and that
    the WILL of God will N O T take me where the hand of God cannot protect me.

I trust in him, and I believe that awesome things are going to happen in my life.  So trust me with my decisions that I am making for my life, and know that they are MY decisions.

I am at a Zen and peaceful time in my life and I feel like no one can shake me.  I'm a rock holding firm to my foundation, and nothing you say can stop me from this freedom and happiness that God has placed upon my life.  When you final see the work of God and his plan for your life, things just fall into place, and even the things that don't fall into place, your not worried about because you know that He will take care of you.  Trust me when I tell you that there are MANY many things that I am still praying about and still trusting God that he will provide for me, and its that trust that brings me peace.

So, spring is upon us.  Softball season is almost here.  And easter is just a week and a half away.  Life is pretty much awesome.

These are a few.

So I know I usually write with some profound statements or some big epiphany that I have had, but tonight I just felt like sharing that God is good.  He is awesome, and amazing and totally the reason for my existence.  I've had a lovely weekend of hanging out with my sister and my grandparents, and its been a pretty great week as well.  I know I did one of these in the fall, but I am going to share again, because I think by doing this you are happier; because you are focusing on things that make you truely happy instead of all the things that bug you in life.   So here goes.

I love...
the warmth that spring time brings, getting ready and not wearing a coat outiside, my short hair, the fact that we have way too many dogs in this house, April, because it brings the smell of rain (not worms), job interviews that get you all hyped up and last only ten minutes, long drives through the city, music on full blast, windows down and wind in my hair, when my puppy reaches up to kiss me, knowing things about my car, walking around barefoot, hearing God, spending time with lovely people, having deep talks, sitting on stoops in rain storms, playing softball, leading a small group at youth, konwing that I'll be in Florida in four short months, wearing pretty dresses, walking around the house with yesterdays makeup and glasses, writing my blog about the love of God and his works in my life, taking pictures (though it has been a long long time since my creative side has got any juices flowing; yet they're longing to come out), playing Bass, writing in my journal, smiling at anybody, rocking out to my music and singing at the top of my lungs during a stoplight, dancing in the car, road trips, reading books written about the 'olden days', grilling out, sitting on roof tops.

These are somethings that have made me happy lately.  I hope that you'll be thinking about the things that make you happy and have a blessed rest of the weekend.

Baggy Sweatshirts and Mis-matched Socks

Tonight when I got home after a long non-stop day of school-work-church-friends, I was in a certain mood.  Today has been a busy day, and it has also been a grand day.  I love it when I have good days that just put me in an awesome mood.  So my certain mood was a mood of euphoric comfy happiness.  And when I am content, and comfy, what I want most is my biggest baggiest most comfy sweatshirt, and my mis-matched fuzzy socks.  They make me feel like I am young, and cozy.  So when I got home thats what I put on, and thats what I'm wearing now.

Most days when I am at work, I get irritated with children and people, and I'm just a grouch that scolds kids all day.  But today I didn't feel like scolding, today I felt like playing.

 I felt like being a young spirited child and hoola hooping and jump roping.  SO I DID.  And I loved it.  I played with the children and I laughed with them and had a grand time.  It made work so much more enjoyable.

 I was even in such a good mood that at movie time I went to the kitchen and got them all a snack.  And usually I am putting kids in time out and telling them to stop talking and watch the movie.  Today I smiled as they laughed and talked and bit the heads off of their animal crackers.  And then one kid taught me how to play Blackjack, and I won.

Then I got to spend some time with my favorite people.  We swang on the swings and laughed and sang, just like we used to six or seven years ago.  Oh, and I won the swinging contest too.

Small groups at Youth tonight were amazing!  Me and Mary went to the store and got them Cream Soda, and then we just sat outside drank our sodas, ate our M and M's and talked about God.  (and swated quite a few mosquitos, I guess its time for those again!)  We laughed at eachother, told stories, and had some pretty in-depth talk about God and his desires for us.  It was awesome, and it left me feeling happy and filled.  These girls are more than some Junior Highers to me.  I'm beginning to love them.  I have a special place for them in my heart and I genuinely enjoy spending time with them every week.  They are some awesome people that God is going to move through.

Then afterwards we had a leader game of Football.  We were yelling at eachother, and making up songs to taunt eachother (to the tune of brittney spears), and Mary was speaking in spanish all night and let me tell you; we actually played some decent football.  And at the end, we both won because it was tied.

So today...

  I played
                    I laughed
                                          I sprinted
               I danced
                                                        I was a child
      I was carefree
            I was in my baggy sweatshirt and mis-matched socks.
                                 
                     I WAS GENUINLEY HAPPY.
Its been awhile since I have had a full complete day of bliss.  And it was wonderful.

As for your second update, I continued with the journal reading today.  Still hilarious and eye opening.  I was reading one part during nap time and it was all I could do to keep from bursting out into laughter and waking up all the children.  Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"d. I could still try to break them up.
e. but I know that will do nothing.
f. But I could try to win him over.
g. but that would be betraying my best friend."

"I have to pee, and this movie is boring"

"I realized that we both have a lot in common:
       - we both like cheddar and sour cream chips
       - we both hate nuts on thing"
     ^
     |
(Ridiculous right?)

"You know what I figured out?  It's a little hard to play hard to get when the guy doesn't want you."

"OMG, he put his hand on my shoulder <3"

"Man I really don't feel good.  What if I die?  Oh no."


I've got to admit that last one is my all time favorite.  That't the one that got me going at nap time.  I love reading this stuff.  Its like I'm reliving my adolesance (totally didn't spell that right)


Totally blissed out right now.  Spring in the air, Three sleeping dogs on me, FRIENDS on the T.V., and my baggy sweatshirt and mis-matched socks.

Life is Grand.  Happy Wednesday Everybody.

Beautifully Waiting

I don't usually do two posts in one day, but how I left the other post ending I would like to revisit that.

               "My head is spinning in circles right now"

After that I decided that I would sit down and write for awhile.  Then I was just looking around Facebook for awhile and I could feel something pulling at me.  My head was still spinning in circles and I wanted in to end.  And I sat there for a minute, and something told me to get my Bible out and read.  Now, some of you may be under the impression that I am some sort of holy roller, but let me tell you, it is hard for me to read my Bible.  I love reading it, but its a fight for me to just pick it up and read it.

So something told me to read my Bible and turn on my Worship Music playlist.  And I said No.  Just plainly and simply.  I said, no I don't want to do that God.  I don't feel like reading my Bible right now.  I don't feel like trying to connect because I am just swimming in my thoughts, and there is no room in there for anything else.

But luckily, my God is a gracious God, and he simply prodded my heart again telling me that I needed to read.  So I gave in switched over my itunes, and grabbed my Bible off of the shelf.  I didn't know what I wanted to read, so I opened it up and began flipping.  I've been thinking a lot about love lately and that is what popped in my head, and I know that 1 Corinithians 13 is the love chapter in the Bible.  I have read this chapter oh, about 50 times, but I felt like I could use a little refresher on love, so thats where I turned first.

And once I get into it this pops out at me:
                 Love is patient.

Oh thanks God.  Thanks for that little jab.  Because I have not been patient.  God revealed to me that he has a plan for me, and that he has wonderful things in store for me.  And I am stubborn.  I want to know now.  I want to try and figure out God's plan and help it along.  But as I read later on, in Ecclesiastes 3:7 - There is a time to be silent and a time to speak.  This is not my job, this is not my plan.  I don't need to help anything along.  I just need to follow God, and if I'm in his will then what HE wants to happen will happen.

Then a little later: "Love trusts, always hopes, always perserveres."  Trust me.  Trust me.  Trust ME.  "Love NEVER fails".  I never fail.  I will give you an unfallible love that will be more than you can imagine.

After this I am still struggling.  I love God.  I truly do.  I want to trust.  I want to completely entrust my heart in his hands.  But there is something holding me back.  Theres this little, what if what if going on in the back of my head.  What if I can make this happen?  What if I did this, then I could get what I want?  But then God throws this passage of scripture in my face, knowing just what I need.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
     There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.

HIS timing.  HIS plan.  HE knows.

Then on my playlist, the song 'Worship while I'm waiting' comes on.  And I just sit there for a minute and I know that it is not a coincidence. 


I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

It was everything that God was trying to tell me.  You see I had begged and begged, and God finally revealed to me about his plan.  But instead of following whole-heartedly after him, I began following this plan, and this dream.  And God had to bring me back to my knees to make me remember.  Its because of Him that this is all going to happen. 

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

So God comes full circle again and moves in my life.  When I let things enroach, he totally pulls me back into his arms and loves me anyways.  So for now I am trying to let go.  I am trying to forget it all and focus on the one who is going to make it happen.  I am waiting.  More than that, I am beautifully waiting, and enjoying keeping my eyes on the father while I let him work in my life.

Ecc. 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in his time.

Ponderings . . .

Today I started reading a my old journals.  Some of them really make me laugh because I was so young and weird.  I am very bi-polar in a lot of my journal entries.  Some serious comedy.  I picked out a few of my favorite lines from the ones I read today:

"She can't even spell the word tomarow, what kind of ediot does that?"

"I know I said that he was dumb but I'm like, madly in love with him"

"I just want to blow people's minds!"

"She said, 'Thats not even a coincidence.  That is God telling you guys to get your heads out of your butts and get on and date!'"

"I'm falling for him, I know I am.  Everyday the roots are sinking deeper and deeper into my heart, wrapping themselves around and around.  And I don't know whether to stop it, or to leave it be."


So that's it for todays readings but there will be more to come.  I'm so happy that I decided to keep journals (even though there was slight ribbing from my friends) because even though some of them may be silly and adolecsent, I love being able to go back and read in detail what was going in my life at a certain time.  Your mind is a sive and it lets so many precious moments and memories fall through it.  But by keeping a journal I get to go back to all of those times and relive the moment, and I get to know exactly what was going on in my head and in my heart.  I love it.

In other news...

Mary and I had a wonderful date night last night.  We went to the park, and then sat out in the thunderstorm and got soaking wet.  Then we talked for about five hours straight.  It was some awesome wife time that I desperatly needed.  She has a way of bringing out the truth; even if I am lying to myself about it. 

It brought about a lot a LOT of thoughts that I'm not sure I wanted but I know I needed.  You can't lie to yourself forever you know.  So the sooner you can dig it out of yourself, the sooner you can examine what is really going on inside.

I know a lot of you have been reading my latest blog entries.  And there has been a move of God on my life.  It's kind of slowing now as the enemy is bringing things up to my doorstep and leaving them there.  There is a lot going on my head and heart, and I can't tell if its from God or from satan.  Part of me believes that it may be God's plan, and thats why I'm going through it.  But then the other part of me thinks that it is Satan trying to lure me away from my Lord and his awesome plans that he has for me.  For now I'm at a loss, and my mind is just spinning in circles.

A Peak Inside

Well, as all of you know, I talk a lot.  I talk a lot about pretty inconsequential things, but I also talk a lot about my God (who is totally consequential, if that makes sense).  But one thing I never talk about, is some of the real things that are going on inside.  So today; I'm going to give you a peak inside.

I've had this thing; weighing on my heart for awhile now.  Weighing heavily, and even pulling me down at times.  Dating.  Oh, thats right, I just went there.  All of my friends have or have had boyfriends recently, and even not so recently.  We are discussing dating in our small groups with the Junior Highers.  Oh and the most fun of all; my mother has baby fever and keeps talking about when I'm going to have kids.  And all I can keep thinking is that I'll probably never get married, so she shouldn't hold out much hope for grandchildren from me.  I know, this may seem pathetic and very debby downer.  But thats pretty much become my whole outlook on it.

I've been single for a little over two years now.  Not by choice, but not because of lack of options either.  It just hasn't been happening for me.  And its very strange.  I used to date quite frequently when I was younger, and now that I am older I don't date at all.  Usually its the other way around, but of course I have to do things backwords.  Now, at first I was ok with it.  I mean, I'm not the type of girl that has to go from guy to guy to guy.  I learn from the relationships that I've been in and I like to take time to be by myself and have me time.  But that point kind of came and passed and I was still single.  By then I was just about to get out of high school and leave for college, so I figured, 'hey, its a good thing I dont have a boyfriend.'

Then I got to UNI, and all I could think about (not literally ALL, but I thought about it a lot) was finding someone to date.  I kept thinking, there has got to be someone here that I can find to date.  But noda.  Nothing.  No one at all.  I didn't even have any guys that were just friends.  Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  Who knows.

I get home, and then I think, maybe God will bring someone to me here.  But again nothing.

Then my mom gets the baby blues and gets me thinking about the marraige life.  Yea, nothing like the marraige life to put you in a state of depression about your current dating situation.  Now here is a huge oxi moron that has become my life for the past while.  I was hopeless, and searching.  I had no hope that I would ever find anyone, that I would ever meet a guy that would want me.  And yet I was searching, searching searching trying to find someone who would.

It was two nights ago while I was showering and praying (ya, that is weird to some of you, but I like to multitask, and I find that I am most peaceful and tranquil then.  So I find that its a good time to talk to God or sing worship songs to him) that he spoke to me.  I was going to being my worship music in with me and play it, but I had forgotten, which I think is a good thing, and you'll see why.

So I'm standing there praying.  Lord, please bring the right guy into my life.  Please let me not end up alone for the rest of my life.  God I hope that is not your plan for me because I don't think I can handle that.  I need to be loved, I need to get married Lord.  Maybe, if you just helped me to lose weight Lord (yea I went there too)  Help me to look prettier.  Something to help me find someone.

It was there that the Lord brought me to my knees.  There was no prophetic voice, there were no angels or magic signs, I didn't have visions.  Rather, I sat there in the silence with just the water beating around me.  And I knew that it was just me and God.  My daddy, showing me just how much I was loved.  He told me that I AM beautiful.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I AM loveable and I am someone worth being with.  He told me that he has a plan for me.  Just like the puzzle peices with Southeatern, he's got something special in store just for me, and he'll reveal it to me in time.  In HIS time.

So I'm not looking anymore.  I'm not in a time of no dating aloud (although my guess is that I'll still be single for awhile longer), but rather I'm not searching anymore.  I know that God has someone for me, and that in the right time I will find him, or he will find me.  I'm no longer searching out relationships, and I'm no longer hopeless.  I'm hopeFUL.  I am FULL of hope that my Lord has a plan for my life.  A plan that will make me happy, and a plan that will outshine my dreams.  Because my Father loves me.


I'm not quite sure that this quite fits with the ending of this post, but I wanted to share.  Last night Derek was preaching to the Junior Highers on dating.  And at the end of it he said something that really stuck with me. 

Its not about finding someone you can live with.  Its about finding someone that you can't live without.

Thats whats in store for me.  A love like that.  Someone who is unconditionally and wholly in love with me.  So I will skip all of the inconsequential, meaningless flings that could have been happening in these past two years, and I will keep my eyes on my Father.  For when the time is right I know I will find the right kind of love.  A love blessed and given by him.

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him."                                                                               Psalm 37:4-7

Did you Know?

Did you know, just how amazing God is?  Did you know, just how much God watches over us, and has this amazing intricate plan for our lives?  I didn't.

I've been a God fearing Christian all my life.  I have gone to church, I've read my Bible, and I've said my prayers.  I've had moments on the mountain tops and I've spent lots of time looming in the valleys.  But never did I know that God can work in the ways he does.  Maybe I knew it, but I never really WHOLE heartedly believed it.

I'd heard stories of people saying that God is leading them here, and that God spoke to them.  I've heard that this is the plan for thier lives and God had put it on their heart that this is right.  I've heard it all.  From Pastors, and missionaries, and friends.  But this is one thing that I have never experienced.  I don't know why that is. 

I used to spend all of my prayer time asking God to show me his will on my life.  To bring some sort of miraculous knowledge to my mind that I would know.  I would beg the Lord to tell me if a certain guy was the right guy, The One.  And I would never get my answer.  I would ask and ask the Lord, to please tell me which road to take out of the vast majority of winding trails.  Never would I know which to take.  I had my suspisions of what would make me happy and what would be the best path to take, but I had never felt the move of God on my life.  .Maybe I was too young, maybe I was not keen to the voice of God.  Maybe I was asking, but I wasn't really listening.  Who knows.

What I do know?  Is that God DOES move.  He can tell you, or he can put a move on your heart, or he can decide to leave you completely out of it and change the world around you to force it upon you.  However he decides to do it, he moves in our lives.  He moves in His timing, in His way.  And after eighteen years of life, I am standing completely in awe and amazement at God. 

I've done the church camp, where you feel the fire and the move on your life.  I've done the powerful sermons that put a yearning in your heart, and make you feel something.  I've done the struggling and feeling Gods love through it all.  But now, NOW its different.

I have this unbelievable passion for God.  I have this fire behind me that is making me feel things in a whole new light.  For once, the instanse when my future is the hardest and most scary, all I can feel is happiness, contentedness (is that a word?), love, and God.  He is moving in my life and I can feel it.  He's changed my world, he's moved my heart, and he's spoken in my life.  I'm at a point, and a high in my relationship with Him that I have never had before.

Today I was listening to worship music on my way to work, and I had gotten there a little early so I decided to listen to one of my favorites again while sitting in the parking lot.  So I moved my chair back, cranked up the volume and closed my eyes.  I let the serenity of the Holy One wash over me and consume me.  My head was completely empty except for the sounds of the twinkling piano and guitar and my thoughts of my gracious God.  When the song was over I opened my eyes and breathed a deep sigh of wholeness that filled me up.  All I could say was Thank. You. God.

God is here.  With me.  And I am in Love.  Period.  And I wanted you to Know.