And these three remain
FAITH
HOPE
and LOVE.
I am a hard headed person. And I know that it takes a lot to get through to me. A LOT. Because when I want something, I want it. I'll stop at nothing until I've reached my goal. And I do this thing, where I put all of these stipulations on my life. I want this, and I'm going to do that. This is how my life is going to be. And God says, no.
Proverbs 16: 9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
I'm sitting here telling God (and do you realize how not smart it is, when you are telling the almighty God something) the way I want my life to go. I'm demanding this and saying that I need this. I'm saying that come four years down the road, this is where my life will be. And God is just sitting there shaking his head at me.
HE made me. HE has a plan for me. But my thick head can't comprehend that. Which is why God has to break me. Utterly and completely break me, before I listen. And so he has.
Sitting at renew on Tuesday I could feel His presence. It was one of those worship times where instead of singing and shouting his praise, I felt like I was supposed to sit back and enstill myself in the presence of the Lord. So I laid my head back against the wall, closed my eyes and let the glory of my Father wash over me. I didn't know this then, but I realize now that He was preparing my heart. I've had a lot running through my mind lately and its hard for me to push it all out while listening to sermons. But during this praise and worship time I could just feel my mind being washed and becoming an empty slate for God to write His words on. So by the end of worship time my heart was ready to get completely wrecked by God.
Chris Owen comes up, and starts talking about Charath. And charath means to be cut down to size. He spoke on the story of Elijah and all that he had to go through before he was at the place that God wanted him to be. I think one of my favorite things that he said was, "Sometimes God will dry up the rivers in your life in order to get you to move somewhere else." But throughout this sermon I knew it was me. I knew that God wanted me to hear this. And it wasn't any specific thing that he had said, or a certain emotion that I felt, I think it was just the state of my heart; but leaving the coffee shop all I felt like doing was crying. I just felt like sitting down and balling my eyes out.
What I realize is this:
My life is not my own. I was made for a purpose, and I was made with a plan. I'm holding onto the rope of my life so tightly that I'm leaving no room for God to place His hands and take over. All I keep saying is, its mine, its mine, its mine when God is telling me to give it to Him and He'll take care of it all. So, here it is. I'm giving it up, and laying it down. My life is yours, take me where you please.
I'll leave you with some songs that God has been putting on my heart:
Your thoughts are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice, here's my life.
Your will above all else, still my purpose remains. The art of losing myself in bringing you praise. My heart and my soul Lord I give you control, consume me from the inside out.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Calling
Well, what a fun filled weekend I had with some awesome ladies. But I think the best thing of all was sitting and listening to jessie's mom talk.
We were sitting at the breakfast table this morning all talking different things and then she just began talking about Gods will for our lives and how we are servants and such. And I really loved it. You could feel the spirit of God moving through that woman and everything she said had relevance in my life. She really reminded me of how we are to live our lives ministering to others and caring for those in need.
Often, especially lately I have been struggling with the fact that I haven't felt this huge calling on my life. I've been begging God to reveal to me what His plan is and what I'm supposed to be aiming for. And slowly but surely I've realized that I've had the calling all along I was just ignoring it because I didn't think it was big enough to be a life mission. But it is! No job is too small of a job in the kingdom of God! I may not be called to go serve as an underground missionary in China, but I know what I am called to do and I know that it's going to make a difference in some lives. I know that I am going to change somebody's life and that shows me that my calling is enough.
We were sitting at the breakfast table this morning all talking different things and then she just began talking about Gods will for our lives and how we are servants and such. And I really loved it. You could feel the spirit of God moving through that woman and everything she said had relevance in my life. She really reminded me of how we are to live our lives ministering to others and caring for those in need.
Often, especially lately I have been struggling with the fact that I haven't felt this huge calling on my life. I've been begging God to reveal to me what His plan is and what I'm supposed to be aiming for. And slowly but surely I've realized that I've had the calling all along I was just ignoring it because I didn't think it was big enough to be a life mission. But it is! No job is too small of a job in the kingdom of God! I may not be called to go serve as an underground missionary in China, but I know what I am called to do and I know that it's going to make a difference in some lives. I know that I am going to change somebody's life and that shows me that my calling is enough.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
I am sitting in the living room of my new suite in Florida, posting this blog. I look back to six months ago and I can hardly believe that I am sitting where I am right now. It took a lot to get here and to be completely honest I never thought that it would happen. Now here I am and its happening as I speak.
The trip down to Florida was great. I drove and my sisters rode with me. We stopped at hotels and restaurants, and the beach. It was a complete blast and I was actually really excited for Southeastern, and I was quite anxious to get there. Once I got there I met my suite mates and moved into my room and continued spending time with Tash and Mary and I would spend a little time with my suite mates. But Monday, oh Monday is when it all hit me.
I drove Tash and Mary to the airport and said my good-byes, and as I was pulling away from the curb I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. So I decided to be the sappy girl I am, I pulled out my ipod and I put on 'All by Myself' by Celine Dion. And I cried and I sang at the top of my lungs as I was driving down the highway (and yes, I'm sure it was a great sight). But then I just stopped and thought to myself, how is this helping me at all? How is singing about how alone I am going to make me feel any better? And I swear I just felt the calling of the Lord to put on some sort of worship music.
So I flipped through my ipod searching for a song that I felt would be good, and 'Wrap me in Your Arms' popped out at me so I put it on repeat and let it go. It was then that the Lord began to speak to me. Now I am quite the stubborn person, so I began to argue with God (and ya, your never going to win that fight). But I told Him how mad I was. How he brought me so far from home all by myself and left me feeling like this. Why would he do that to me? Why couldn't he just have let me stay in Iowa with all of my family and friends? Why in the world would you want me to feel like this God?
And my God being such a patient and loving God as He is let me argue with him, or more, He let me rant at Him. And his answer came simply;
"You need to learn to let Me and only Me support you"
You see this is my problem. I rely on my family and my friends, I rely on the comfort of my everyday life and so I never step outside of my box. God knew this, I did not. I was basically so content with my relationship with God that I stopped building it. I sat in church, I played on worship team, I talked about faith, but I was no longer seeking God with passion and fire. Somewhere along the way I had lost it; all because of comfort and contentedness.
This is why God took me from Iowa and moved me here. Where I can no longer rely on my family, and I can no longer rely on my friends, I can no longer rely on the ordinary. The only person that I can rely on now is God. And He worked this all out so that is how it would end up.
I love what our campus pastor said the other day in chapel, because it applies so infinitley to my life. He was talking about how we go around all the time questioning and debating and fighting the question: Can I trust God? Can I trust God? And the answer is always Yes, Yes and 100% yes. The question isn't can you trust God, its can He trust you?
I was sitting there saying 'God I don't know if I can trust you. I don't know if I can do this. I just don't know God.' And that is so wrong because, let me map this out for you here:
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING
Even before you were formed in the womb he knew how many hairs were on your head. He knows who you are, who knows what you need, and he knows the plan for your life. You can guess and plan all you want, in the end God is always right.
The trip down to Florida was great. I drove and my sisters rode with me. We stopped at hotels and restaurants, and the beach. It was a complete blast and I was actually really excited for Southeastern, and I was quite anxious to get there. Once I got there I met my suite mates and moved into my room and continued spending time with Tash and Mary and I would spend a little time with my suite mates. But Monday, oh Monday is when it all hit me.
I drove Tash and Mary to the airport and said my good-byes, and as I was pulling away from the curb I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. So I decided to be the sappy girl I am, I pulled out my ipod and I put on 'All by Myself' by Celine Dion. And I cried and I sang at the top of my lungs as I was driving down the highway (and yes, I'm sure it was a great sight). But then I just stopped and thought to myself, how is this helping me at all? How is singing about how alone I am going to make me feel any better? And I swear I just felt the calling of the Lord to put on some sort of worship music.
So I flipped through my ipod searching for a song that I felt would be good, and 'Wrap me in Your Arms' popped out at me so I put it on repeat and let it go. It was then that the Lord began to speak to me. Now I am quite the stubborn person, so I began to argue with God (and ya, your never going to win that fight). But I told Him how mad I was. How he brought me so far from home all by myself and left me feeling like this. Why would he do that to me? Why couldn't he just have let me stay in Iowa with all of my family and friends? Why in the world would you want me to feel like this God?
And my God being such a patient and loving God as He is let me argue with him, or more, He let me rant at Him. And his answer came simply;
"You need to learn to let Me and only Me support you"
You see this is my problem. I rely on my family and my friends, I rely on the comfort of my everyday life and so I never step outside of my box. God knew this, I did not. I was basically so content with my relationship with God that I stopped building it. I sat in church, I played on worship team, I talked about faith, but I was no longer seeking God with passion and fire. Somewhere along the way I had lost it; all because of comfort and contentedness.
This is why God took me from Iowa and moved me here. Where I can no longer rely on my family, and I can no longer rely on my friends, I can no longer rely on the ordinary. The only person that I can rely on now is God. And He worked this all out so that is how it would end up.
I love what our campus pastor said the other day in chapel, because it applies so infinitley to my life. He was talking about how we go around all the time questioning and debating and fighting the question: Can I trust God? Can I trust God? And the answer is always Yes, Yes and 100% yes. The question isn't can you trust God, its can He trust you?
I was sitting there saying 'God I don't know if I can trust you. I don't know if I can do this. I just don't know God.' And that is so wrong because, let me map this out for you here:
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING
Even before you were formed in the womb he knew how many hairs were on your head. He knows who you are, who knows what you need, and he knows the plan for your life. You can guess and plan all you want, in the end God is always right.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Awhile
So ya... not going to lie, its been awhile since I last blogged. And I'm sure the five of you that follow have been devastated (insert sarcastic face here). But the time of summer has quickly been slipping past me without my realization and now I am almost two short weeks away from leaving home. And not leaving home as in; I'll be home every other weekend. Leaving home as in, pack the boxes, reserve the hotels and make your flight plans for the next visit leaving. And let me tell you... I am scared to death.
Things have been going good this summer. I have been working like a maniac to try and make some money for this upcoming semester, and yet I seem to have less than when I started. Isn't that the funny thing about money, is that it always seems to leave a whole lot faster than it comes in. And somehow I just can't figure out where all of this money is going to. I guess having your car break, gas prices go up, among other miscellanous things can sure dwindle the savings.
Plans are commencing for our three day journey to Florida and I'm getting pretty excited. My best friend, sister and I are going to be road tripping it up as I head to school, and boy a road trip is never dull with us. I'm praying for safe travels of course and hoping that my Ford dosn't live up to its name (Found on Road Dead). Car troubles I feel are one of my biggest fears. I mean, I'm pretty handy with a car; I know how to check and change my oil and I know how to change a tire. But while I'm driving down the road, if I feel the engine start tumbling a little bit, or if the car shakes just a tad a million thoughts start racing through my head and the end image is me sitting on the side of the road with my car in flames next to me. Dead serious. I am manically afriad that my car is frequently going to burst into flames. I guess its the creative side of me getting to work. But still I am praying to the Lord often that I don't blow up on my way to school (or hit any more trash cans... please ask me in person for I do not want to explain this story)
Story of the Day though: This morning it was the day after my birthday and that means that I had just had a night full of a family gathering and the memories that ensue. That got me to thinking about all of the family times that I am going to miss because I will be living so far away. I was getting a little sad and teary eyed and my mind just kept going across all of the bad things that come from my going to school. Thats when TaDa (one of my favorite people at work) came in and started to talk to me. He immediatley asked me about school and the details. There was this girl in the office who was on the phone with her mom for about an hour or two in tears because she was so homesick she was making herself physically sick. After she gets off the phone Tada has me go with him (rules of two counselors to one child) while he takes her in the lounge to talk to her. While there he begins to tell her that; its hard to leave home. That he is 3,000 miles from home and he misses his parents so much. And then he says the one thing that is the biggest duh, but the most profound thing.
"Your supposed to miss them, they're your parents, they gave birth to you"
Right there. I always felt so guilty about missing my parents and family. Like it made me less of an adult. Like I was too attached. Like there was something wrong with me. But there it was, its ok to miss them.
I love Tada. He makes my day and he makes me smile. Its like he always knows what to say.
And then from then, all the good things about school kept popping in my head. And now I am excited to go again. And good news to all who know my hoarding habits; I think (besides clothes) I have like one and a half boxes of things that I am bringing. Oh ya, I am giving myself helf therapy to fix my problem. :)
Happy Monday. Enjoy it.
Things have been going good this summer. I have been working like a maniac to try and make some money for this upcoming semester, and yet I seem to have less than when I started. Isn't that the funny thing about money, is that it always seems to leave a whole lot faster than it comes in. And somehow I just can't figure out where all of this money is going to. I guess having your car break, gas prices go up, among other miscellanous things can sure dwindle the savings.
Plans are commencing for our three day journey to Florida and I'm getting pretty excited. My best friend, sister and I are going to be road tripping it up as I head to school, and boy a road trip is never dull with us. I'm praying for safe travels of course and hoping that my Ford dosn't live up to its name (Found on Road Dead). Car troubles I feel are one of my biggest fears. I mean, I'm pretty handy with a car; I know how to check and change my oil and I know how to change a tire. But while I'm driving down the road, if I feel the engine start tumbling a little bit, or if the car shakes just a tad a million thoughts start racing through my head and the end image is me sitting on the side of the road with my car in flames next to me. Dead serious. I am manically afriad that my car is frequently going to burst into flames. I guess its the creative side of me getting to work. But still I am praying to the Lord often that I don't blow up on my way to school (or hit any more trash cans... please ask me in person for I do not want to explain this story)
Story of the Day though: This morning it was the day after my birthday and that means that I had just had a night full of a family gathering and the memories that ensue. That got me to thinking about all of the family times that I am going to miss because I will be living so far away. I was getting a little sad and teary eyed and my mind just kept going across all of the bad things that come from my going to school. Thats when TaDa (one of my favorite people at work) came in and started to talk to me. He immediatley asked me about school and the details. There was this girl in the office who was on the phone with her mom for about an hour or two in tears because she was so homesick she was making herself physically sick. After she gets off the phone Tada has me go with him (rules of two counselors to one child) while he takes her in the lounge to talk to her. While there he begins to tell her that; its hard to leave home. That he is 3,000 miles from home and he misses his parents so much. And then he says the one thing that is the biggest duh, but the most profound thing.
"Your supposed to miss them, they're your parents, they gave birth to you"
Right there. I always felt so guilty about missing my parents and family. Like it made me less of an adult. Like I was too attached. Like there was something wrong with me. But there it was, its ok to miss them.
I love Tada. He makes my day and he makes me smile. Its like he always knows what to say.
And then from then, all the good things about school kept popping in my head. And now I am excited to go again. And good news to all who know my hoarding habits; I think (besides clothes) I have like one and a half boxes of things that I am bringing. Oh ya, I am giving myself helf therapy to fix my problem. :)
Happy Monday. Enjoy it.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Man with the Plan
So I'm sitting here at work playing with my new iPhone (ya you wish you were that cool haha) and reflecting. I can't believe the things that have happened to me in the past six months. I mean I had some low moments of pure insanity wondering if God was still here an listening. And then I had some pretty high moments where I was standing on top of a mountain holding Gods hand and shouting 'we did it!'
Needless to say, he's been there all along and he's answered my prayers better than I could've ever imagined ( that's why he's God an I'm not). I had the struggle with leaving school and he gave me the strength to endure and to make the decisions that were right for me and my path. Then there was deciding which school to go to. And me being mere human and totally dependent on my family, friends and the comfort of my life in Iowa, totally ruled out even considering SEU because it was too far away.
Of course God doesn't take no for an answer so he spent a few months proding at my heart until human me finally realized where I needed to be. Then there was my job, where I prayed and prayed to did some sort of more employment for the summer, and surely enough every lead that I had fell through and I figured God didn't care anymore. But he was just waiting so he could give me this job that totally fits my personality and it's something that I love doing. God didn't just want to provide for my needs, he wanted to make me extraordinarily happy while doing it. And thats the kind of god I serve. One that knows me better than I know myself. A god that listens and answers with better than what I asked for.
I suppose that my post today is that of encouragement. If you feel like you are struggling and God is not listening, then you are wrong my friend. He is up there in heaven with his blueprints to to your life all spread out in front of him, and as you are crying out and asking God why he doesn't care he is smiling down on you and saying 'just wait my child, just
wait'. He's there, don't worry, just trust that hes got a plan.
Needless to say, he's been there all along and he's answered my prayers better than I could've ever imagined ( that's why he's God an I'm not). I had the struggle with leaving school and he gave me the strength to endure and to make the decisions that were right for me and my path. Then there was deciding which school to go to. And me being mere human and totally dependent on my family, friends and the comfort of my life in Iowa, totally ruled out even considering SEU because it was too far away.
Of course God doesn't take no for an answer so he spent a few months proding at my heart until human me finally realized where I needed to be. Then there was my job, where I prayed and prayed to did some sort of more employment for the summer, and surely enough every lead that I had fell through and I figured God didn't care anymore. But he was just waiting so he could give me this job that totally fits my personality and it's something that I love doing. God didn't just want to provide for my needs, he wanted to make me extraordinarily happy while doing it. And thats the kind of god I serve. One that knows me better than I know myself. A god that listens and answers with better than what I asked for.
I suppose that my post today is that of encouragement. If you feel like you are struggling and God is not listening, then you are wrong my friend. He is up there in heaven with his blueprints to to your life all spread out in front of him, and as you are crying out and asking God why he doesn't care he is smiling down on you and saying 'just wait my child, just
wait'. He's there, don't worry, just trust that hes got a plan.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
A week of...
This has been an eventful first week of summer.
Some finals were taken on Monday and the results are as follows:
3 A's and 2 B's
I'm going to be working hard to get all A's next semester, B's don't sit well with me.
Then on Tuesday I took Abby's Senior Pictures. Some of my favorites:
It's hard for me to pick though, because I really loved them all. It was my first senior picture shoot and I think that it went really well. Kutos go out to Abby for being a wonderful model/ guinea pig for my photography madness :)
You can find the rest of Abbys pictures here
Then on Wednesday I had a photo shoot at Daycare with my mom's kids for her graduation board. I was taking their 'headshots'
For some reason it flipped the picture when I attached it and it wouldn't let me turn it the right way. So enjoy the sideways version.
It was a little dificult photographing two year olds, but I had some fun with it.
And today I did a little shopping and went to the birthday party of my favorite little girl; Zoey Jane.
Life is well in my world, and summer is here so I am a happy gal. Pool time, Tans, and bleached hair shall commence.
Some finals were taken on Monday and the results are as follows:
3 A's and 2 B's
I'm going to be working hard to get all A's next semester, B's don't sit well with me.
Then on Tuesday I took Abby's Senior Pictures. Some of my favorites:
It's hard for me to pick though, because I really loved them all. It was my first senior picture shoot and I think that it went really well. Kutos go out to Abby for being a wonderful model/ guinea pig for my photography madness :)
You can find the rest of Abbys pictures here
Then on Wednesday I had a photo shoot at Daycare with my mom's kids for her graduation board. I was taking their 'headshots'
For some reason it flipped the picture when I attached it and it wouldn't let me turn it the right way. So enjoy the sideways version.
It was a little dificult photographing two year olds, but I had some fun with it.
And today I did a little shopping and went to the birthday party of my favorite little girl; Zoey Jane.
Life is well in my world, and summer is here so I am a happy gal. Pool time, Tans, and bleached hair shall commence.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Fast Fowarding
These past few months have felt like a huge blur, and it seems like all of the memories are melding together into one big pot where its hard to distinguish one thing from another. I can't figure out if its a good thing or not, but I'm still enjoying it nonetheless.
As you all know, mothers day was this past weekend. And after looking through our family pictures from that day, I realized just how odd and dysfunctional my family is in a wacky loving kind of way.
If you know my family at all, you know that we are all very jokey and loving and a generaly happy bunch. But we look so peeved in most of our photos, and we look like we pretty much hate eachother. Its a good laugh, but I wish we could capture who we really are as a family. Laughs and giggles, full of love and affection in our own off-kilter kind of way.
I had a funny realzation on Sunday though, I am a half mother too! haha. We were all taking pictures outside, and our dog Chloe (the one who just had the puppies) walked up and posed with us. We were all laughing, and I realized, well hey, shes a mom too, she deserves to be in the Mother's day pictures. And I have a darling puppy, Dudlee, and I call myself his mommy.
As you all know, mothers day was this past weekend. And after looking through our family pictures from that day, I realized just how odd and dysfunctional my family is in a wacky loving kind of way.
If you know my family at all, you know that we are all very jokey and loving and a generaly happy bunch. But we look so peeved in most of our photos, and we look like we pretty much hate eachother. Its a good laugh, but I wish we could capture who we really are as a family. Laughs and giggles, full of love and affection in our own off-kilter kind of way.
I had a funny realzation on Sunday though, I am a half mother too! haha. We were all taking pictures outside, and our dog Chloe (the one who just had the puppies) walked up and posed with us. We were all laughing, and I realized, well hey, shes a mom too, she deserves to be in the Mother's day pictures. And I have a darling puppy, Dudlee, and I call myself his mommy.
So we took our mother-puppy pictures as well. I've realized that I'm sure going to miss him next year. We've bonded a lot, and although I never really thought that you could form that close of a bond with a pet; I have with my pup.
I'm also going to miss...
Random dance parties with best friends, that end in stomach grabbing, bent-in-half laughing, chairs being pulled out, and bonding over the smiles and dance moves.
Befriending the most shy girl in the class, and helping her to come out of her shell. I absolutley adore this girl now, and we're bffs on the playground.
Going to church; the same one I've been going to for almost nineteen years now. I'm a little frightened of trying to horn my way into a new church family, and I know it'll all work out, but it's hard leaving the comforts you've spent your whole life building.
But life has been good lately. School's almost out, summer is upon us, and I'm a happy girl.
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