Awhile

So ya... not going to lie, its been awhile since I last blogged.  And I'm sure the five of you that follow have been devastated (insert sarcastic face here).  But the time of summer has quickly been slipping past me without my realization and now I am almost two short weeks away from leaving home.  And not leaving home as in; I'll be home every other weekend.  Leaving home as in, pack the boxes, reserve the hotels and make your flight plans for the next visit leaving.  And let me tell you...  I am scared to death.

Things have been going good this summer.  I have been working like a maniac to try and make some money for this upcoming semester, and yet I seem to have less than when I started.  Isn't that the funny thing about money, is that it always seems to leave a whole lot faster than it comes in.  And somehow I just can't figure out where all of this money is going to.  I guess having your car break, gas prices go up, among other miscellanous things can sure dwindle the savings.

Plans are commencing for our three day journey to Florida and I'm getting pretty excited.  My best friend, sister and I are going to be road tripping it up as I head to school, and boy a road trip is never dull with us.  I'm praying for safe travels of course and hoping that my Ford dosn't live up to its name (Found on Road Dead).  Car troubles I feel are one of my biggest fears.  I mean, I'm pretty handy with a car; I know how to check and change my oil and I know how to change a tire.  But while I'm driving down the road, if I feel the engine start tumbling a little bit, or if the car shakes just a tad a million thoughts start racing through my head and the end image is me sitting on the side of the road with my car in flames next to me.  Dead serious.  I am manically afriad that my car is frequently going to burst into flames.  I guess its the creative side of me getting to work.  But still I am praying to the Lord often that I don't blow up on my way to school (or hit any more trash cans... please ask me in person for I do not want to explain this story)

Story of the Day though:  This morning it was the day after my birthday and that means that I had just had a night full of a family gathering and the memories that ensue.  That got me to thinking about all of the family times that I am going to miss because I will be living so far away.  I was getting a little sad and teary eyed and my mind just kept going across all of the bad things that come from my going to school.  Thats when TaDa (one of my favorite people at work) came in and started to talk to me.  He immediatley asked me about school and the details.  There was this girl in the office who was on the phone with her mom for about an hour or two in tears because she was so homesick she was making herself physically sick.  After she gets off the phone Tada has me go with him (rules of two counselors to one child) while he takes her in the lounge to talk to her.  While there he begins to tell her that; its hard to leave home.  That he is 3,000 miles from home and he misses his parents so much.  And then he says the one thing that is the biggest duh, but the most profound thing.

"Your supposed to miss them, they're your parents, they gave birth to you"

Right there.  I always felt so guilty about missing my parents and family.  Like it made me less of an adult.  Like I was too attached.  Like there was something wrong with me.  But there it was, its ok to miss them.
  I love Tada.  He makes my day and he makes me smile.  Its like he always knows what to say.

And then from then, all the good things about school kept popping in my head.  And now I am excited to go again.  And good news to all who know my hoarding habits; I think (besides clothes) I have like one and a half boxes of things that I am bringing.  Oh ya, I am giving myself helf therapy to fix my problem.  :)

Happy Monday.  Enjoy it.

The Man with the Plan

So I'm sitting here at work playing with my new iPhone (ya you wish you were that cool haha) and reflecting. I can't believe the things that have happened to me in the past six months. I mean I had some low moments of pure insanity wondering if God was still here an listening. And then I had some pretty high moments where I was standing on top of a mountain holding Gods hand and shouting 'we did it!'

Needless to say, he's been there all along and he's answered my prayers better than I could've ever imagined ( that's why he's God an I'm not). I had the struggle with leaving school and he gave me the strength to endure and to make the decisions that were right for me and my path. Then there was deciding which school to go to. And me being mere human and totally dependent on my family, friends and the comfort of my life in Iowa, totally ruled out even considering SEU because it was too far away.

Of course God doesn't take no for an answer so he spent a few months proding at my heart until human me finally realized where I needed to be. Then there was my job, where I prayed and prayed to did some sort of more employment for the summer, and surely enough every lead that I had fell through and I figured God didn't care anymore. But he was just waiting so he could give me this job that totally fits my personality and it's something that I love doing. God didn't just want to provide for my needs, he wanted to make me extraordinarily happy while doing it. And thats the kind of god I serve. One that knows me better than I know myself. A god that listens and answers with better than what I asked for.

I suppose that my post today is that of encouragement. If you feel like you are struggling and God is not listening, then you are wrong my friend. He is up there in heaven with his blueprints to to your life all spread out in front of him, and as you are crying out and asking God why he doesn't care he is smiling down on you and saying 'just wait my child, just
wait'. He's there, don't worry, just trust that hes got a plan.

A week of...

This has been an eventful first week of summer.

Some finals were taken on Monday and the results are as follows:

3 A's and 2 B's

I'm going to be working hard to get all A's next semester, B's don't sit well with me.

Then on Tuesday I took Abby's Senior Pictures.  Some of my favorites:

It's hard for me to pick though, because I really loved them all.  It was my first senior picture shoot and I think that it went really well.  Kutos go out to Abby for being a wonderful model/ guinea pig for my photography madness :)

You can find the rest of Abbys pictures here

Then on Wednesday I had a photo shoot at Daycare with my mom's kids for her graduation board.  I was taking their 'headshots'

For some reason it flipped the picture when I attached it and it wouldn't let me turn it the right way.  So enjoy the sideways version.







It was a little dificult photographing two year olds, but I had some fun with it.

And today I did a little shopping and went to the birthday party of my favorite little girl; Zoey Jane.

Life is well in my world, and summer is here so I am a happy gal.  Pool time, Tans, and bleached hair shall commence.

Fast Fowarding

These past few months have felt like a huge blur, and it seems like all of the memories are melding together into one big pot where its hard to distinguish one thing from another.  I can't figure out if its a good thing or not, but I'm still enjoying it nonetheless.

As you all know, mothers day was this past weekend.  And after looking through our family pictures from that day, I realized just how odd and dysfunctional my family is in a wacky loving kind of way.

If you know my family at all, you know that we are all very jokey and loving and a generaly happy bunch.  But we look so peeved in most of our photos, and we look like we pretty much hate eachother.  Its a good laugh, but I wish we could capture who we really are as a family.  Laughs and giggles, full of love and affection in our own off-kilter kind of way.

I had a funny realzation on Sunday though, I am a half mother too!  haha.  We were all taking pictures outside, and our dog Chloe (the one who just had the puppies) walked up and posed with us.  We were all laughing, and I realized, well hey, shes a mom too, she deserves to be in the Mother's day pictures.  And I have a darling puppy, Dudlee, and I call myself his mommy.

So we took our mother-puppy pictures as well.  I've realized that I'm sure going to miss him next year.  We've bonded a lot, and although I never really thought that you could form that close of a bond with a pet; I have with my pup. 

I'm also going to miss...

Random dance parties with best friends, that end in stomach grabbing, bent-in-half laughing, chairs being pulled out, and bonding over the smiles and dance moves.

Befriending the most shy girl in the class, and helping her to come out of her shell.  I absolutley adore this girl now, and we're bffs on the playground.

Going to church; the same one I've been going to for almost nineteen years now.  I'm a little frightened of trying to horn my way into a new church family, and I know it'll all work out, but it's hard leaving the comforts you've spent your whole life building.

But life has been good lately.  School's almost out, summer is upon us, and I'm a happy girl.

Money

Money, money, money.  It makes the world go round.

B L E H

May I tell you, I am so freaking sick of money.  I'm sick of looking for a new job so I can get more hours, so I can work more; make more money; and then save it.  I'm sick of trying to find different avenues of financial aid to pay for ridiculously high-priced college.  I'm sick of figuring numbers, and then re-figuring numbers to try and figure out how much I need to save this summer.  I'm sick of driving by Hy-Vee and groaning as I read the lit red letters that read 3.79 for one gallon of gas.

MY LIFE: has officially become about money.  and I hate it.  Yes, hate.

I'm always thinking about money, and how if I made more money I could do this, or if I had more money then I could do that.  I need to get such and such amount of money to do this etc etc etc...  It goes on and on and on.  And I can just hear the voices now 'well thats just adulthood Sandra, this is part of growing up'

b o l o g n a

Yes I understnad that part of growing up is having bills and a job and learning responsibility.  But its also about living you life, and having new experiences, and doing something stupid because hey, your only twenty once.  Its about falling in love, eating what you shouldn't, staying up late, learning useless things and learning things that really help you, and jumping into fountains in the middle of the night.  Its about growing up and learning how to really live your life.  Money is only a part of it; not what its all about.

My mom has been telling me for over a year now that I need to stop worrying about finances and trust that God will take care of me.  I didn't do it at first, but these past few months I have been.  And you know where its gotten me?  Nowhere.  No where that is, to the naked human eye.  To me; nothing has changed.  I still make minimum wage, I still am only getting little hours at work, I still have un-humanly high bills to pay, and I still pay my tithes to the Lord.  But I'm trusting.  Trusting that he has some plan for me, and some plan for my budget.  Cuz I know that my God is bigger than my wallet, and he's bigger than my paycheck.  He knows, and I don't.  So even though to me, it looks like nothing is happening in my life as I'm trusting; I know that my faith is growing and My God is planning.

So I'm trying to push money out of my mind.  And I'm trying to remember that growing up, isn't about worrying about your money and how to make more.  It's just simply not.

Progression

Life is progressing at a slow pace...  but its progressing nonetheless. 

Classes are finishing up at Scott ( t h a n k  G o d), and summer is soon approaching, and then before you know it I will be packing up the car and headed off to start my life in Florida.  Its about three and a half months until I leave I can not be more excited about it.  God totally showed me his hand of cards and I've bet all in, because I know that I am going to win (if you can understand my poker metaphor, because I played; and won, some poker this weekend)

Still, as excited as I am, there are still some things that I am trying to work out until I leave, like a job!  I'm praying and hoping that I can find a full time summer job somewhere, but who knows.  My luck is zero as of right now.  And I am also trying to spend as much quality time with my friends as I can because I know that my time for them will go from 90% to about 1 or 2% once I leave.  Thats what you get for moving 20 hours away.  So I'm soaking it all up now and enjoying the laughter, jokes, fun and even mocking that happens, because soon everything will change.

The bookends of my life here in Davenport are coming together, and this chapter of my life is soon to be closing.  And yet, its a happy time.

Egypt

Today at Daycare when it was movie time, I decided to put in Prince of Egypt.  Now I love childrens movies, but I'm mainly a Disney fan, so I don't really watch this stuff much.  Also because a lot of the childrens movies for church are really corny; no offense God.

I remember sitting in that Childrens Church room with the cartoon characters playing on the screen.  There was the tan man in sandals with brown long hair and a beard that played Jesus, and they always played out the Bible stories and everything was honky-dory.  We would watch the movies and think 'oh yay Jesus'  I never thought more of it than that and to be honest with you, I haven't watched a Christian Childrens movies since back in my Kids church days.

So today while this movie is playing I'm getting really interested in it.  This is one of those times where I'm laying on my stomach next to all the kids and shushing every two seconds so I can hear what is being said.  I was that into this movie.  Most of you know the story line: Moses hears from God to let his people go, and God tells Moses that he will lead him through it and He does.  It's a simple Bible story that you learn in Sunday School while you are young, and I've known it pretty much my whole life.

But today while I was watching this movie that I haven't seen in probably eight or nine years, I saw it in a whole new light.  Not like the story had changed, or that I had some miraculous realization about it.  But I just really saw how truely amazing God is.  How he gives you a plan for your life and helps you to accomplish that plans.  I mean, he did day after day of miracles to get these Hebrews out of Egypt.  Things that are totally unexplainable and unreal.  He can do whatever he wants if He wants to do it.

Now I don't claim to know everything there is to know about religion and about my God.  I do the best that I can and try to understand the most that my simple young mind can.  I don't have all the answers for you, and I have had my doubts.  God is working on my heart through that and I have come to the slow realization that that is why we call it faith. 

In my humanities class my teacher gave us a quote that I quickly came to dispise.  It was something like this:
              'Faith which does not doubt is dead faith'
And at first I thought this was some religous quote and I got excited but then I read it again, and I realized what this person (Unamano I think it was) was saying.  That in order to have true faith, you must doubt it.  And then I take my test, and on there is a justifiable true or false section.  And I come across the question:  What Unamano said is true in my life.

True, or False.

My answer was as follows:
False.  This is false in my life because I am a woman of faith.  I don't believe much in religion, and all the old time things of it, but what I believe in is my relationship with God.  I have faith in Him.  And I have doubted before, but I do not see my doubts as justified nor necessary.  Faith does not come from finding the truth through your doubts, faith is believing with your mind and trusting with your heart.

And to tell you the truth, I don't care if I get a zero on that question or not.  I think I very well justified why that was totally and utterly false.  You see, its hard for us as human beings to just take everything for fact.  And it is hard for me to understand why things happen the way they do, and why certain things are the way they are.  I am all about answers and all about finding out the why.  And when I could not understand, I began to pull away.

Thats when God stepped in and told me how it is.  (I've realized that God likes to tell me off a lot, and I'm thinking that maybe thats the only way I learn and listen from Him)  But he told me that He is greater than me.  And that is why I do not understand.  If I did understand than that means that my God is on the same level as me.  And I don't know about you, but I sure as heck want a God who is so far above and beyond me.  So he told me that I need to put my faith in him.  Stop seeking answers, and instead seek knowledge in Him.  And from then on, my heart has been at peace and I've been able to love and serve God without that hinderance.

I'm not quite sure how I got from the prince of Egypt to here.  But I will say this:  I am Moses.  And life is my Egypt.  God has given me this to conquer and I know that He will reach his hand down and stir things around when need be.  And for that, I stand amazed.