This was our first holiday with out my Aunt Carol. And it seemed normal and fine on the outside, but there it was definitely different then all the others that we've celebrated. You could notice the absence in that house and there was nothing that could be done to change it.
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On friday, the day after she was admitted to the hospital, my family and I went to the hospital to see my aunt. We were in her room for about five to six hours. She was on a lot of pain medication because she had just had a biopsy on her liver and she was in a lot of pain. So she was really in and out of it, and there wasn't a whole lot of time spent with her actually present. I had a few minutes to stand at her side and to hold her hand and talk to her. We were all joking around and she threw in a joke or two. And with her very weak breathe she told me, "You know how much your Auntie Carol loves you?" And I nodded my head and patted her hand and told her that I loved her too.
Towards the end of the day she was actually put in a chair and we came back in the room and she was sitting up and talking to us like any other normal day. She was even cracking a lot of jokes and smiling and laughing with us. We decided that since she was doing so well that we would leave to go out with friends and go see her later on. That is my last memory I have of my aunt being fully aware and lucid.
I had no idea how badly things had turned until Monday when I went to hospital to see her and they had her in the ICU hooked up to an oxygen tank. She was barely conscious at all that day. I went in to see her twice. When I went in with my mom she was talking to her and telling her how much she loved her. I stood there and watched and quietly whispered 'I love you' before walking out. I had never had the experience of seeing someone in that state. How do you talk to someone you love who is heading downhill fast and isn't even conscious? I didn't know what to say or how to say it, so I chose to not say anything.
Then came Wednesday when I was at work and got the call that she only had a few hours left. I rushed out of work and was crying on the way to the hospital. I don't really know why, but I felt the urge to turn on my radio on the way, and Klove was the station the was on my radio, and the song they were playing was 'This is not where I belong' I don't know who sings it and I'm pretty sure that's not even the real title to the song. But I know the lyrics,
"All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong"
And in that instant I knew that it was true. Though I may want Carol in this world with me, and though it may be easier to imagine a world with her in it, rather than one without her, she is where she belongs. And as I sat next to her and held her hand as she passed from this world to one greater than can be imagined, I knew that it was going to be ok, because she was with our Father.
This is where my hope lies. This is where my heart is.
I will not push my faith on those who do not want to believe, and I will not coerce someone into a relationship with Christ, but know this:
With my life, I believe that God is real, and I believe that He cares. My God is absolutely my everything. He is my rock, my shield, my Father, my hope, my deliverer and on and on the list goes. I can't imagine a life without Him and I don't know why you would want to.
A lot of people think that Christianity is just a bunch of rules that you have to follow and things that you can't do. But I have been a follower of Christ my entire life and I have never felt more free and loved than I do when I am living my life for Him. It is not a task to follow His laws, it is a PRIVILEGE.
God had done everything for me, and the least I can do is give my life for him and know that one day, I too, will be where I belong.
