I'm in love with College Winters

On go my boots, and my scarf, gloves and hat. I have on leggings and socks up to my knees. Then my coat gets zipped up to my neck and down the hall I go. Once outside I get blasted with a gust of cold winter air, as I brave the cold to get to class. Unlike the snow in the city; when you walk around a college campus, there are no plows or cars that ruin the snow and turn it black and shades of brown. When it snows on a college campus, layer after layer of snow just begins to lay one on top of the other. It is not dirty or mushy and wet, instead, its powdery and glitters, and blows across the campus in swift sheets and swirls of white. Just about everytime that I step out the door it is snowing, just a soft downfall from heaven with thick white snowflakes that land on and stay on the winter apparell that I am adorned with. I am in love, with college winters.

There are Things

There are things in this world,
things that amaze
things that confuse
things that last
and things that break your heart.

Some things you can't figure out. Some things stare you in the face, and others bring great joy and contentment to your life.

Right now, I must say that I am at a place that is in cross roads in my life. I'm not yet happy, but I know that I'm well on my way. On days when I feel like I am never going to get there, and never going to be able to reach my dreams, I look at the beauty of God's creation and the things that he has placed in my life.

Things like my amazing friends who love me very much, and whom I love with all of my heart. They are there for me through everything and I know that I can go to them with everything and anything. Many people grow up and they have their friends who come and go in and out of their lives, but I have been blessed with this amazing group of people that have been in my life for as long as I have had friends. I don't consider them my friends, I don't even consider them my best friends. I consider these people part of my family, and I am completely and utterly blessed with all of them.

Also things like the gentle falling of a light wintery snow. I used to be one of those downers who hated winter because it was cold and disgusting, but my heart has really opened to it this year. I see the snow and the beauty of the red berries against the bare tree and I just stare in amazement. God has created some amazing things in this world. And looking at them daily brings my heart to a place of wonder and amazement for my creator and all of the things he has given me.

I pray that soon I will know where I am supposed to be, and that I will know it is the right choice and the right place for me. Soon, soon, soon.

In College

In college:

Your sleeping habits are not regular, and naps are a frequent must

Sweat pants and T-shirts become your wardrobe... It dosn't matter how nice of a dresser you are.

Make up is no longer a must. It is a high luxury to those who get the motivation to put it on.

High Heels are not heard of during the week days

Your hands will almost be permanently glues to your laptop, even if there is nothing of real consequence or meaning on there.

Simple foods are what you survive on. Hello Raman and PB & J.

Capri Suns must be downed at high speeds.

You are no longer the 'cool kid' for not wearing a coat. You are the idiot who catches pnemonia.

Looking in the mirror rarely happens, and when said thing does happen, there is usually a shrug and then a 'who gives a crap' involved afterwards.

Disney Channel is for the AWESOME kids

Motivation to work out is a key ingreidient in this life

You no longer read for fun, because your professors have now made it not so fun.

Friends bring you joy and happiness.

I never knew a dog could mean so much...

When I was six I met a puppy. He had a bow around his neck, and a bundle of joy in his heart. He was the very first dog that was prevelent in my memory of dogs. I tried to help train him and I played with him often. I even got to call him my own a few times, until my sister traded my ginea pig back for him. Sometimes I would lock him in a cupboard, or I would leave him outside. But he always loved me anyways, he put all my faults aside. I never knew, how much that meant.

Sometimes he would run away, and we could never tell just why. Until we found a house that he felt was suitable to call home, then he never left. He knew these kinds of things. He was grouchy when he got a new sister, but he loved her anyways. She grew on him after while. As did the other two.

He could never have puppies, maybe it was just never meant to be. That was always part of Banjo's charm. Also, that he could walk up to any person and just look, and of course they would pick him up. No one could deny Banjo, even in his old, scruffy age.

He grew old, and he grew blind. And other things began to take over his body. I knew that his time wouldn't last forever, but I sure wished it would. Sometimes he got under my feet, and sometimes he was a little hard to handle. I regret the times I told him to get out of my way, or ignored the gentle pleas he gave with his nose, just to be held and to be loved. It meant much more than you'll know. He deserved it all. He was the best any family could ask for. He was loving and kind, excepting and sweet, and he could never let you down.

When I got that call, that after twelve years in my life, he was dieing. Tears welled in my eyes, and memories shot to my mind;

and I never knew that a dog, could mean so much.

Prayer of the Day

Dear Lord,

Please help me and guide me to be able to achieve my dreams. Please guide me down the path that will bring me joy and happiness. You know the desires of my heart God, and you know the things I need. I know I'm not always right, and that sometimes I lose my way. I pray that you will pick me up when I fall and show me your will for my life, so that I may follow it and have a fulfilling a plentiful life. Sometimes I feel so alone, and I feel so lost, I pray that is it in these times that you wil reveal your plan to me, and give me comfort in the low points. Thank you for all that you've given me and all that you've revealed to me Lord. I pray that I will never stray and that I will watch and follow you with reckless abandon through the rest of my days. I love you. Lots.

Sandra

Paint covered hands and plank filled eyes

Hands dripping in paint
splattered droplets of color surrounded me
I look down and see a mix of pigments all over my jeans
I turn my attention towards the clock
and I see that it has been over two hours of work
I look back at my art peice
and then see that, I am not happy with it at all

After the hours of work that I put into it
it looks nothing like this beautiful picture that I have painted in my mind
I thought that after all this work
this would come out a masterpeice
something that all the other students in my class would envy
something that I would be extremely proud of

. . . r e v e l a t i o n . . .

Gods hands are dripping with paint
God has spent an ETERNITY molding and forming our lives
God longs for us to be perfect
and to live the life HE intended us to have

But when all is said and done,
we don't turn out perfect
we never live our lives how God wants us to
we make MISTAKES
lots and lots and lots of mistakes

We break the pottery that God has been so artfully and painstakingly crafted
we smear black paint all over the colorful canvas
we ruin the work that God has done
But this is why God is the Master Craftsmen
because he picks up those broken peices that we have scattered about
and he forms it into something that is even more beautiful than before

This is you
you are the canvas
you are th pottery
you are the beauty that he looks at everyday and is beaming proud
YOU are His work of art

Here it is...

I figured it was about time to let all of you know something that has been going on in my life for the past few months. Something that has taken a lot of thought, and quite a lot of prayer for me to make my decision. So here it is...

Next semester I will no longer be attending UNI. My reasons are not: because I miss home, or miss my family, or don't have friends ect... No it is not freshman sadness, no it is not just something that has not been thought through. I dont know if all of you know how this feels, but sometimes you just know when a college isn't right for you, and that is how I feel about UNI. I love the people here, I love my friends, I love my roommate, all that stuff is great. It is the school that is just not right for me. I know that this is not where I want to spend the next four years of my life, its just not the place I'm supposed to be. So because if this I have decided that the smartest choice would be to go home for a semester (its a little difficult to transfer in the middle of the year), and attend Scott, and work to save up money and such. Then next fall I will be transfering. No I do not know where I am going, I have a few different places in mind, but no where certain yet.

Sooo... I suppose opinions are welcome, but don't be rude. Cuz that is just unneccesary.

I love...

I LOVE . . .

fall nights, hot coco, jesus, my bible, leaves crunching beneath my feet, driving with the windows down and the music up, sweatpants, awesome friends, dancing in the rain, wise adults, writing things, watching the leaves change color, eating delicous things, road trips, worship music, dimly lit rooms, whispering, watching a thunderstorm, yelling, laughing, babies, laughing babies, children, cooking, being right, sitting outside on a fall night, the smell after it rains, not looking at my phone for an entire day, sleeping in, getting up really early, sunrises and sunsets, coffee houses, driving on the interstate, soft soothing music, thinking, mugs, fires, sweaters, the first snow fall, tree hunting, canoeing, not knowing, figuring it out, following through with something, having a brilliant idea, loving God, feeling loved, living, my family, driving barefoot, taking pictures, talking, dancing in the car, burning hot showers, memories, fuzzy socks, ice cream.

These are some of the many things that I love. Nothing special, just simple things that bring pure joy into my life. I am having an excellent night, and I felt as though I should share some of the joy I am feeling.

To Pass

Today as I was walking to my next class I let my mind start to wander and sift through some different things that have been going in and out of my head for awhile. And trust me, theres a lot :) But I came across the thought of my future. And not like, I would like to do this for my career and accomplish this and that (per to most college students) but rather things I have been dreaming of, and wishing to come. Maybe not right now, but certainly things that I hope will happen eventually in my life.

And then I began thinking about how these things would play out. Just playing them out in my mind like it was a movie of the next four to five years of my life. And boy, it was a good movie. But then I started thinking, it is NEVER going to happen that way. My perfect image, or film real that I have just created in my mind, is not something I am ever going to see in my life. But, I then realized that that is ok. Because, had everything happened that way, then I would not have even half of the great memories, friends, and things that I do in my life.

In life, things go crazy and never happen the way that anybody wants them to, and thats what makes them so great. Its not the moments that you look back on and say, man that would be one for a Hallmark movie! But its the moments you look back on and cry about, or the ones that you just can't stop laughing about, or even the ones that still confuse a little bit.

So I am looking foward and dreaming for these things to come, but I am not dreaming of how they will happen. I will leave that up to God, and I will just sit back and enjoy the ride as these things do come.

A little Bit...

There's a bit of my soul that wants to let go. There's a bit of my heart that wants to hold on. There's a part of me that wants to know what needs to happen, and a portion that dosn't know what to do. I feel differently about it everyday, and I never feel the same. Sometimes I'm obsessed, sometimes I just don't care. SOMETIMES, I have no idea. Most often than not, I have no idea. But thats just me. And its a part of me that makes me who I am. I dont know if God intended it to be this way, or if I just am becuase somewhere I screwed up. Most of the time, I figure that I just screwed up. I haven't been able to step foward, and I thought that was out of choice, because I was just waiting. But now I'm wondering if I really just can't. Maybe its God who is holding out? Or maybe its me, who is... well, screwed up. Maybe I'm not at the right place, maybe its not the right time. MAYBE, its not meant for me? No. Not it at all. I'm not broken anymore, and I don't hurt anymore. So I dont understand why instead of moving foward, I'm just becoming spread further and further, as my desires and wants in life move foward, while my feet are planted firmly in the past. HONESTLY, honestly, h o n e s t l y. . . Thats just it. I become honest and stop telling myself stories, and I dont know where to go or what to get at. I can't fix myself, this is why I've given it over to the Lord. Whatever his will is, I will be ready and willing for it come.

I've already put this into practice into other areas of my life, and I am proud to say that I have a decision that I am very happy about and I know that is something that is going to bring G R E A T joy and peace to my heart. I am so excited to take this step of faith and see where God is going to lead me with it. After such a long time of tormenting myself and just being torn over what was the right decision, and what was the smart, I am just happy to be instilled with this peace over what I am going to be doing. And as a great friend of mine once said, "Wherever you go, God will open doors for you" and I know that my time was not for nothing, that I have planted some seeds, and I also know that as I keep moving foward that God will open a tremendous amount of doors in my life.

Friday Night Medetations

So, sitting here alone on a Friday night I have had a little while to think about things and kind of meditate on the things in my life. For the past while I have been debating A LOT of things and really just trying to figure out which way I am supposed to be going and what God wants me to do. And no, I dont have some glorious revelation or even an answer at all. The truth is, I'm just as clueless as I was before. But I think I'm closer to knowing.

I feel like things are slowly falling into place. Not that my knowlede has suddenly been cleared and I can see the right path in front of me. But I just feel like I am getting closer and closer to the right choice. And it worries me SO much becuase I am always thinking about the future and how the decisions that I make right now are impacting that, and I worry so much that if I change things or do something that I am going to somehow screw up my future.

But I know that as long as I let God guide me in my decision and let him be the center of my life and the reason for all my works, that he will give me an awesome and fullfilling life.

BUT..........

Decisions have GOT to be made and soon. So I ask that you pray for me, becuase I really need some guidance and wisdom because there are days when I just feel so clueless as to what I am supposed to do.

Decisions that must be made

I was given a lot to think about tonight. I have been thinking these thoughts for awhile, but I never really knew where to go with them. It is just a cacophony of thoughts going in an array of ways. I don't know what to do. I'm deciding between quite a number of different things and I have no idea which is right, which thing would be the best and I don't know what to decide, AT ALL. I hate being so confused, and I hate the feeling of uncertainty. I feel... well, alone. And I feel, as I've said, confused, and lost and just plain baffled. And then I think that maybe some of my feelings are for a reason. Like, maybe I'm not supposed to be comfortable because its not where I'm supposed to be. Maybe it's God's way of telling me that He wants a change in my life. Like Pastor Rooks sermon about 'Putting Rocks in the Nest.' Maybe it wont feel right until it's HIS kind of right.

m
a
y
b
e

I quite hate that word becuase there is absolutely no certainty in that word. Which I guess explains my life at the moment. It shouldn't be a struggle. Is that right? I never thought of it like that. But I just don't know. Maybe it will be different in a few weeks? I'm lost in a world where there aren't any answers, atleast not at the moment. I'm in a state of prayer, yes thats right, warfare prayer. I shall not be confused for much longer!

Change

Today I was walking to one of my classes, and there was a lot of religous things happening on campus (i.e. there were men in suits handing out bibles, and people with rather large signs yelling about heaven and hell) and it got my mind turning in circles about God and his love and his plans for me. And that's when I felt it. I don't remember ever feeling it before, but I just felt God's love circle around me and fill up inside of me, and I felt completely filled with love and happiness. Then all of a sudden the clouds fell apart and there was sun shining all around me and there was a gust of beautiful fall wind the came up behind me. Now this can be justified as just a feeling, and just mother nature, but I being the believer that I am, and knowing exactly how it felt, know that it was God pouring out and shining down his love upon me.

I've been pondering for awhile about the things that I want to happen, and what I think I should be doing to get where I think I need to be going. And I've realized that its really easy to get caught up in these kinds of things and forget who holds our lives in the palm of his hand. I can do anything I want to do, but in the end, it's Gods path that I'm going to want to end up on. He has this timing, and its miraculous, becuase its perfect timing. He has a plan, a time, and a season for everything. And I can push all I want to try and make something happen, but it wont happen (or it wont happen right) until God's hand is fully in it and upon it.

This is where I faulter. Yes, I love God, with everything in my being, and I believe that he should have utter and complete control over my life. But even though I do believe that, its harder to do. I find myself constantly trying to find solutions to all these problems that I find in my life, either that or I just find myself fretting over these problems for a long time and I end up letting it get the best of me and its all that I can think about. Just last week, I found myself faced with a dilema, and I thought about it and I called my parents to ask for advice, and then I prayed about it (and yes, I did do this in backwards order of what I should have) but I decided that I would put it in God's hands and that whatever happened, it was his will, and that it was what he wanted. Then yesterday when I got the news, I wasn't at all content with it and found myself wondering if I wasn't good enough. And I had to keep on telling myself that it was what was supposed to happen, and that God knows what he's doing and I don't.

So, I really have no big inspiration, or a philosophical statement. More just some things that were on my mind and some things that are going on in my life. I'm praying hard that I can be who God wants me to be, and not fret about things that I think matter.

It will happen in time. His time.

Stagecraft

Today I had to do my 2 hour workshop for my stagecraft class. I was kind of dreading it because I dont know anything about tools or building things and I was thinking that I was going to be the clueless one standing around just dumbfounded. (and I was for a little bit, but not much! :) And I was also thinking that this wasnt going to be my forte because I like acting, and I like directing and creating. More of the imaginative things, not the crunstructive things.

But once I got into doing it, I loved it! I still have a lot to learn, and I didn't do everything the greatest, but I sure had fun doing it. I felt really industrial. I didnt even want to leave when my two hours were done, and now I'm really excited to get to do a whole semester of this.

I dont really know why I felt that this was important to share this. I'm just like the fact that the more I learn about theater, the more excited I get to spend the rest of my life doing it.

Depth

Today in my Lit. class we were discussing furthering your education, and things that go along those lines. The first thing we discussed was knowing where your going. When you are 18 years old, you have many many people asking you what you are going to do with your life, where your going to be in ten, or twenty years, etc, etc. Now think about this, you are 18 years old. Your life isn't even 1/4 over yet, and you have someone asking what your going to be doing for the rest of it. Does this make sense to you? College isn't about perfecting what your going to be doing, its about finding out what you should be doing. College is about self-realization. You can have an idea of what you like, or what you think you may be doing further down the road, but don't set your life in stone just yet. Life gives you some pretty interesting twists and turns, and sometimes the path your on breaks completely, and you have to find a new way to go. But if your worried about how you think your life should be going, then you never get to take the road that is set before you, because your too busy trying to follow your own.

We also talked about learning, and why people hate going to class and learning about things. Now, I am the number one example for this with math and science. I have always hated math and science with a fiery passion. My reasoning was that I wasn't any good at it and that it wasn't interesting, and that it didn't apply to real life situations. This is the view that many people have when it comes to certain educational experiences, and it ruins our learning becuase of it. We're always too focused on how much we hate the subject to actually see the beauty in it. Instead of focusing on the things that we hate about it, we need to try to make it fun. How do we make it fun? Thats up to you! What interests you in life? What makes things fun for you? If you like to read stories then turn what you learning into a story. If you like theater, turn what you learning into a production. I had never thought of this before and the realization was like a light bulb going off! Now when I go to class, I love it!

I dont know if this sounds really dumb, but I thought it was really interesting to discuss in class.

<3

Jesus Culture - King of Glory

This song really touched my heart tonight, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. :)

Wonderings...

Lately I have been having some serious thoughts about my future. When I tell people what my major is, they will ask me what exactly it is that I would like to do with my major once I get out of college. I tell everyone that at first I will most likely do some behind stage work at a theater. Then hopefully I will get into designing and then directing. And then my big dream is to own a theater someday.

I can't help but feel silly while telling people my dream in life. I know that is a really large dream, and that it seems nearly impossible. When telling people this, I see the scrutiny in their eyes and the judgement flash across their face, like, 'Does she really think that that is ever going to happen?' And I know it may seem like that to many people. Even sometimes to myself it just seems like a pipe dream. More and more everyday I think about what goes into making a business, all the guidelines and rules that you have to follow, hiring and firing people, paying people, paying all the bills, getting inventory and stock on all the things that you need, advertising, and on top of it all, there is what I want to do with the theater. I want to write, I want to direct, I want to coreograph. This is all so much and so HUGE.

But then, I realize, that God is the One who had put all of this upon my heart, and he is the One who has given me this dream to follow. In 1 Corithians 10:13 it says: "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it." I know this verse is common for those who are going through trials in their lives, and those who feel like the world is crashing down upon them. But I also feel that this verse can apply here as well.

God has given me a dream, and a big one at that. He would not have given me this dream, if it were not something that I could handle, and if it were not something that was feasible for me to do. Now, from where I am in life right now, no I could not do this. But this is why God takes you on a certain path, and a certain course in life. So that you can grow and build yourself up in Christ, and so you can become who you need to be, to fulfill God's plan.

Just remember, that no matter who you are or where your at that God's plan is never too big. He is the creater of the heavens and the earth, and the sky and the sea. And he can help you, to follow your (and his) dreams.

When Life Begins

I have started college this week. It has been a mix of many emotions, most of which I never thought that I would experience whilst going to college. Home has been my biggest problem. I miss it terribly. More than I thought that I would. I knew that I was really close to my family, and I knew that I would miss them but I did not expect the amount of emotion that I felt being seperated from my parents. I wanted to just pack up all of my things and move back home. I did not think that college was going to be fun, and I did not think that I was going to enjoy the year at all. I was already planning ways of tranfering and schools that were closer that I could attend while staying at home.

But after sticking it out I realized just how much I did like college. I do still miss home, quite a lot, but I began enjoying college and all the things that come along with that. I've realized that there is a point when you do have to grow up. Where, no matter how much it does hurt, you must seperate from your parents and begin to become your own person. I have to realize who I am on my own. I can't always have my parents there to guide me and make all of my decisions. There is going to come a point when I am going to have to decide where I want to go, what I want to do, who I want to date, and how I want to live my life. And its not up to my parents to make those decisions. They raised me, and now it is time for me to take all that I have learned and apply it to my life and be strong about it.

So I am going to take this year of college, and I am going to embrace it. I am going to take oppurtunity for the most I can, be the best I can be, and live life the way God intended me to.