Money

Money, money, money.  It makes the world go round.

B L E H

May I tell you, I am so freaking sick of money.  I'm sick of looking for a new job so I can get more hours, so I can work more; make more money; and then save it.  I'm sick of trying to find different avenues of financial aid to pay for ridiculously high-priced college.  I'm sick of figuring numbers, and then re-figuring numbers to try and figure out how much I need to save this summer.  I'm sick of driving by Hy-Vee and groaning as I read the lit red letters that read 3.79 for one gallon of gas.

MY LIFE: has officially become about money.  and I hate it.  Yes, hate.

I'm always thinking about money, and how if I made more money I could do this, or if I had more money then I could do that.  I need to get such and such amount of money to do this etc etc etc...  It goes on and on and on.  And I can just hear the voices now 'well thats just adulthood Sandra, this is part of growing up'

b o l o g n a

Yes I understnad that part of growing up is having bills and a job and learning responsibility.  But its also about living you life, and having new experiences, and doing something stupid because hey, your only twenty once.  Its about falling in love, eating what you shouldn't, staying up late, learning useless things and learning things that really help you, and jumping into fountains in the middle of the night.  Its about growing up and learning how to really live your life.  Money is only a part of it; not what its all about.

My mom has been telling me for over a year now that I need to stop worrying about finances and trust that God will take care of me.  I didn't do it at first, but these past few months I have been.  And you know where its gotten me?  Nowhere.  No where that is, to the naked human eye.  To me; nothing has changed.  I still make minimum wage, I still am only getting little hours at work, I still have un-humanly high bills to pay, and I still pay my tithes to the Lord.  But I'm trusting.  Trusting that he has some plan for me, and some plan for my budget.  Cuz I know that my God is bigger than my wallet, and he's bigger than my paycheck.  He knows, and I don't.  So even though to me, it looks like nothing is happening in my life as I'm trusting; I know that my faith is growing and My God is planning.

So I'm trying to push money out of my mind.  And I'm trying to remember that growing up, isn't about worrying about your money and how to make more.  It's just simply not.

Progression

Life is progressing at a slow pace...  but its progressing nonetheless. 

Classes are finishing up at Scott ( t h a n k  G o d), and summer is soon approaching, and then before you know it I will be packing up the car and headed off to start my life in Florida.  Its about three and a half months until I leave I can not be more excited about it.  God totally showed me his hand of cards and I've bet all in, because I know that I am going to win (if you can understand my poker metaphor, because I played; and won, some poker this weekend)

Still, as excited as I am, there are still some things that I am trying to work out until I leave, like a job!  I'm praying and hoping that I can find a full time summer job somewhere, but who knows.  My luck is zero as of right now.  And I am also trying to spend as much quality time with my friends as I can because I know that my time for them will go from 90% to about 1 or 2% once I leave.  Thats what you get for moving 20 hours away.  So I'm soaking it all up now and enjoying the laughter, jokes, fun and even mocking that happens, because soon everything will change.

The bookends of my life here in Davenport are coming together, and this chapter of my life is soon to be closing.  And yet, its a happy time.

Egypt

Today at Daycare when it was movie time, I decided to put in Prince of Egypt.  Now I love childrens movies, but I'm mainly a Disney fan, so I don't really watch this stuff much.  Also because a lot of the childrens movies for church are really corny; no offense God.

I remember sitting in that Childrens Church room with the cartoon characters playing on the screen.  There was the tan man in sandals with brown long hair and a beard that played Jesus, and they always played out the Bible stories and everything was honky-dory.  We would watch the movies and think 'oh yay Jesus'  I never thought more of it than that and to be honest with you, I haven't watched a Christian Childrens movies since back in my Kids church days.

So today while this movie is playing I'm getting really interested in it.  This is one of those times where I'm laying on my stomach next to all the kids and shushing every two seconds so I can hear what is being said.  I was that into this movie.  Most of you know the story line: Moses hears from God to let his people go, and God tells Moses that he will lead him through it and He does.  It's a simple Bible story that you learn in Sunday School while you are young, and I've known it pretty much my whole life.

But today while I was watching this movie that I haven't seen in probably eight or nine years, I saw it in a whole new light.  Not like the story had changed, or that I had some miraculous realization about it.  But I just really saw how truely amazing God is.  How he gives you a plan for your life and helps you to accomplish that plans.  I mean, he did day after day of miracles to get these Hebrews out of Egypt.  Things that are totally unexplainable and unreal.  He can do whatever he wants if He wants to do it.

Now I don't claim to know everything there is to know about religion and about my God.  I do the best that I can and try to understand the most that my simple young mind can.  I don't have all the answers for you, and I have had my doubts.  God is working on my heart through that and I have come to the slow realization that that is why we call it faith. 

In my humanities class my teacher gave us a quote that I quickly came to dispise.  It was something like this:
              'Faith which does not doubt is dead faith'
And at first I thought this was some religous quote and I got excited but then I read it again, and I realized what this person (Unamano I think it was) was saying.  That in order to have true faith, you must doubt it.  And then I take my test, and on there is a justifiable true or false section.  And I come across the question:  What Unamano said is true in my life.

True, or False.

My answer was as follows:
False.  This is false in my life because I am a woman of faith.  I don't believe much in religion, and all the old time things of it, but what I believe in is my relationship with God.  I have faith in Him.  And I have doubted before, but I do not see my doubts as justified nor necessary.  Faith does not come from finding the truth through your doubts, faith is believing with your mind and trusting with your heart.

And to tell you the truth, I don't care if I get a zero on that question or not.  I think I very well justified why that was totally and utterly false.  You see, its hard for us as human beings to just take everything for fact.  And it is hard for me to understand why things happen the way they do, and why certain things are the way they are.  I am all about answers and all about finding out the why.  And when I could not understand, I began to pull away.

Thats when God stepped in and told me how it is.  (I've realized that God likes to tell me off a lot, and I'm thinking that maybe thats the only way I learn and listen from Him)  But he told me that He is greater than me.  And that is why I do not understand.  If I did understand than that means that my God is on the same level as me.  And I don't know about you, but I sure as heck want a God who is so far above and beyond me.  So he told me that I need to put my faith in him.  Stop seeking answers, and instead seek knowledge in Him.  And from then on, my heart has been at peace and I've been able to love and serve God without that hinderance.

I'm not quite sure how I got from the prince of Egypt to here.  But I will say this:  I am Moses.  And life is my Egypt.  God has given me this to conquer and I know that He will reach his hand down and stir things around when need be.  And for that, I stand amazed.

It's Here

The constant ache and scratch at the back of my throat, the sniffling and sneezing, dripping and stuffed up nose, the handfuls of tissues and the ever present Halls fruit breezer in my mouth can only mean one thing...

It's here.  Spring is finally here!  After long grueling months of snow and ice and ick, spring has sprung upon us and its finally time for capris and t-shirts and playing outside with the kids!  Of course there are so many other things that indicate that spring is here other than my allergies, like, driving with the windows down, wearing opened toed shoes, walking outside and not even having a second thought about a jacket, really warm days and really cold nights, the beginnings of a tan, and of course my favorite, softball practice!

So I promised you this, so here it is, Roxanne.  Mine and Anna's friend at the beach.

Now some of you may say that this is mean, but seriously she was strutting her stuff all up and down the beach.  She thought that she was some hot smoking stuff.

So, I am extremely excited about leaving for Florida in four short months, but one of the sad things is that I have to give up my puppy Dudlee.  I love him very much, and I'm going to miss him, but for now we're just enjoying our good times with his neice and nephews.

Florida is creeping up on me and a lot of people have different opinions on it.  But for one final (I hope) time let me reassure you all that this has been prayed about for months, this has been discussed with God, and I am 100%  P O S I T I V E that this is his plan for my life.  I know that he has great things planned for me and that
    the WILL of God will N O T take me where the hand of God cannot protect me.

I trust in him, and I believe that awesome things are going to happen in my life.  So trust me with my decisions that I am making for my life, and know that they are MY decisions.

I am at a Zen and peaceful time in my life and I feel like no one can shake me.  I'm a rock holding firm to my foundation, and nothing you say can stop me from this freedom and happiness that God has placed upon my life.  When you final see the work of God and his plan for your life, things just fall into place, and even the things that don't fall into place, your not worried about because you know that He will take care of you.  Trust me when I tell you that there are MANY many things that I am still praying about and still trusting God that he will provide for me, and its that trust that brings me peace.

So, spring is upon us.  Softball season is almost here.  And easter is just a week and a half away.  Life is pretty much awesome.

These are a few.

So I know I usually write with some profound statements or some big epiphany that I have had, but tonight I just felt like sharing that God is good.  He is awesome, and amazing and totally the reason for my existence.  I've had a lovely weekend of hanging out with my sister and my grandparents, and its been a pretty great week as well.  I know I did one of these in the fall, but I am going to share again, because I think by doing this you are happier; because you are focusing on things that make you truely happy instead of all the things that bug you in life.   So here goes.

I love...
the warmth that spring time brings, getting ready and not wearing a coat outiside, my short hair, the fact that we have way too many dogs in this house, April, because it brings the smell of rain (not worms), job interviews that get you all hyped up and last only ten minutes, long drives through the city, music on full blast, windows down and wind in my hair, when my puppy reaches up to kiss me, knowing things about my car, walking around barefoot, hearing God, spending time with lovely people, having deep talks, sitting on stoops in rain storms, playing softball, leading a small group at youth, konwing that I'll be in Florida in four short months, wearing pretty dresses, walking around the house with yesterdays makeup and glasses, writing my blog about the love of God and his works in my life, taking pictures (though it has been a long long time since my creative side has got any juices flowing; yet they're longing to come out), playing Bass, writing in my journal, smiling at anybody, rocking out to my music and singing at the top of my lungs during a stoplight, dancing in the car, road trips, reading books written about the 'olden days', grilling out, sitting on roof tops.

These are somethings that have made me happy lately.  I hope that you'll be thinking about the things that make you happy and have a blessed rest of the weekend.

Baggy Sweatshirts and Mis-matched Socks

Tonight when I got home after a long non-stop day of school-work-church-friends, I was in a certain mood.  Today has been a busy day, and it has also been a grand day.  I love it when I have good days that just put me in an awesome mood.  So my certain mood was a mood of euphoric comfy happiness.  And when I am content, and comfy, what I want most is my biggest baggiest most comfy sweatshirt, and my mis-matched fuzzy socks.  They make me feel like I am young, and cozy.  So when I got home thats what I put on, and thats what I'm wearing now.

Most days when I am at work, I get irritated with children and people, and I'm just a grouch that scolds kids all day.  But today I didn't feel like scolding, today I felt like playing.

 I felt like being a young spirited child and hoola hooping and jump roping.  SO I DID.  And I loved it.  I played with the children and I laughed with them and had a grand time.  It made work so much more enjoyable.

 I was even in such a good mood that at movie time I went to the kitchen and got them all a snack.  And usually I am putting kids in time out and telling them to stop talking and watch the movie.  Today I smiled as they laughed and talked and bit the heads off of their animal crackers.  And then one kid taught me how to play Blackjack, and I won.

Then I got to spend some time with my favorite people.  We swang on the swings and laughed and sang, just like we used to six or seven years ago.  Oh, and I won the swinging contest too.

Small groups at Youth tonight were amazing!  Me and Mary went to the store and got them Cream Soda, and then we just sat outside drank our sodas, ate our M and M's and talked about God.  (and swated quite a few mosquitos, I guess its time for those again!)  We laughed at eachother, told stories, and had some pretty in-depth talk about God and his desires for us.  It was awesome, and it left me feeling happy and filled.  These girls are more than some Junior Highers to me.  I'm beginning to love them.  I have a special place for them in my heart and I genuinely enjoy spending time with them every week.  They are some awesome people that God is going to move through.

Then afterwards we had a leader game of Football.  We were yelling at eachother, and making up songs to taunt eachother (to the tune of brittney spears), and Mary was speaking in spanish all night and let me tell you; we actually played some decent football.  And at the end, we both won because it was tied.

So today...

  I played
                    I laughed
                                          I sprinted
               I danced
                                                        I was a child
      I was carefree
            I was in my baggy sweatshirt and mis-matched socks.
                                 
                     I WAS GENUINLEY HAPPY.
Its been awhile since I have had a full complete day of bliss.  And it was wonderful.

As for your second update, I continued with the journal reading today.  Still hilarious and eye opening.  I was reading one part during nap time and it was all I could do to keep from bursting out into laughter and waking up all the children.  Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"d. I could still try to break them up.
e. but I know that will do nothing.
f. But I could try to win him over.
g. but that would be betraying my best friend."

"I have to pee, and this movie is boring"

"I realized that we both have a lot in common:
       - we both like cheddar and sour cream chips
       - we both hate nuts on thing"
     ^
     |
(Ridiculous right?)

"You know what I figured out?  It's a little hard to play hard to get when the guy doesn't want you."

"OMG, he put his hand on my shoulder <3"

"Man I really don't feel good.  What if I die?  Oh no."


I've got to admit that last one is my all time favorite.  That't the one that got me going at nap time.  I love reading this stuff.  Its like I'm reliving my adolesance (totally didn't spell that right)


Totally blissed out right now.  Spring in the air, Three sleeping dogs on me, FRIENDS on the T.V., and my baggy sweatshirt and mis-matched socks.

Life is Grand.  Happy Wednesday Everybody.

Beautifully Waiting

I don't usually do two posts in one day, but how I left the other post ending I would like to revisit that.

               "My head is spinning in circles right now"

After that I decided that I would sit down and write for awhile.  Then I was just looking around Facebook for awhile and I could feel something pulling at me.  My head was still spinning in circles and I wanted in to end.  And I sat there for a minute, and something told me to get my Bible out and read.  Now, some of you may be under the impression that I am some sort of holy roller, but let me tell you, it is hard for me to read my Bible.  I love reading it, but its a fight for me to just pick it up and read it.

So something told me to read my Bible and turn on my Worship Music playlist.  And I said No.  Just plainly and simply.  I said, no I don't want to do that God.  I don't feel like reading my Bible right now.  I don't feel like trying to connect because I am just swimming in my thoughts, and there is no room in there for anything else.

But luckily, my God is a gracious God, and he simply prodded my heart again telling me that I needed to read.  So I gave in switched over my itunes, and grabbed my Bible off of the shelf.  I didn't know what I wanted to read, so I opened it up and began flipping.  I've been thinking a lot about love lately and that is what popped in my head, and I know that 1 Corinithians 13 is the love chapter in the Bible.  I have read this chapter oh, about 50 times, but I felt like I could use a little refresher on love, so thats where I turned first.

And once I get into it this pops out at me:
                 Love is patient.

Oh thanks God.  Thanks for that little jab.  Because I have not been patient.  God revealed to me that he has a plan for me, and that he has wonderful things in store for me.  And I am stubborn.  I want to know now.  I want to try and figure out God's plan and help it along.  But as I read later on, in Ecclesiastes 3:7 - There is a time to be silent and a time to speak.  This is not my job, this is not my plan.  I don't need to help anything along.  I just need to follow God, and if I'm in his will then what HE wants to happen will happen.

Then a little later: "Love trusts, always hopes, always perserveres."  Trust me.  Trust me.  Trust ME.  "Love NEVER fails".  I never fail.  I will give you an unfallible love that will be more than you can imagine.

After this I am still struggling.  I love God.  I truly do.  I want to trust.  I want to completely entrust my heart in his hands.  But there is something holding me back.  Theres this little, what if what if going on in the back of my head.  What if I can make this happen?  What if I did this, then I could get what I want?  But then God throws this passage of scripture in my face, knowing just what I need.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
     There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.

HIS timing.  HIS plan.  HE knows.

Then on my playlist, the song 'Worship while I'm waiting' comes on.  And I just sit there for a minute and I know that it is not a coincidence. 


I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

It was everything that God was trying to tell me.  You see I had begged and begged, and God finally revealed to me about his plan.  But instead of following whole-heartedly after him, I began following this plan, and this dream.  And God had to bring me back to my knees to make me remember.  Its because of Him that this is all going to happen. 

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

So God comes full circle again and moves in my life.  When I let things enroach, he totally pulls me back into his arms and loves me anyways.  So for now I am trying to let go.  I am trying to forget it all and focus on the one who is going to make it happen.  I am waiting.  More than that, I am beautifully waiting, and enjoying keeping my eyes on the father while I let him work in my life.

Ecc. 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in his time.

Ponderings . . .

Today I started reading a my old journals.  Some of them really make me laugh because I was so young and weird.  I am very bi-polar in a lot of my journal entries.  Some serious comedy.  I picked out a few of my favorite lines from the ones I read today:

"She can't even spell the word tomarow, what kind of ediot does that?"

"I know I said that he was dumb but I'm like, madly in love with him"

"I just want to blow people's minds!"

"She said, 'Thats not even a coincidence.  That is God telling you guys to get your heads out of your butts and get on and date!'"

"I'm falling for him, I know I am.  Everyday the roots are sinking deeper and deeper into my heart, wrapping themselves around and around.  And I don't know whether to stop it, or to leave it be."


So that's it for todays readings but there will be more to come.  I'm so happy that I decided to keep journals (even though there was slight ribbing from my friends) because even though some of them may be silly and adolecsent, I love being able to go back and read in detail what was going in my life at a certain time.  Your mind is a sive and it lets so many precious moments and memories fall through it.  But by keeping a journal I get to go back to all of those times and relive the moment, and I get to know exactly what was going on in my head and in my heart.  I love it.

In other news...

Mary and I had a wonderful date night last night.  We went to the park, and then sat out in the thunderstorm and got soaking wet.  Then we talked for about five hours straight.  It was some awesome wife time that I desperatly needed.  She has a way of bringing out the truth; even if I am lying to myself about it. 

It brought about a lot a LOT of thoughts that I'm not sure I wanted but I know I needed.  You can't lie to yourself forever you know.  So the sooner you can dig it out of yourself, the sooner you can examine what is really going on inside.

I know a lot of you have been reading my latest blog entries.  And there has been a move of God on my life.  It's kind of slowing now as the enemy is bringing things up to my doorstep and leaving them there.  There is a lot going on my head and heart, and I can't tell if its from God or from satan.  Part of me believes that it may be God's plan, and thats why I'm going through it.  But then the other part of me thinks that it is Satan trying to lure me away from my Lord and his awesome plans that he has for me.  For now I'm at a loss, and my mind is just spinning in circles.