A Peak Inside

Well, as all of you know, I talk a lot.  I talk a lot about pretty inconsequential things, but I also talk a lot about my God (who is totally consequential, if that makes sense).  But one thing I never talk about, is some of the real things that are going on inside.  So today; I'm going to give you a peak inside.

I've had this thing; weighing on my heart for awhile now.  Weighing heavily, and even pulling me down at times.  Dating.  Oh, thats right, I just went there.  All of my friends have or have had boyfriends recently, and even not so recently.  We are discussing dating in our small groups with the Junior Highers.  Oh and the most fun of all; my mother has baby fever and keeps talking about when I'm going to have kids.  And all I can keep thinking is that I'll probably never get married, so she shouldn't hold out much hope for grandchildren from me.  I know, this may seem pathetic and very debby downer.  But thats pretty much become my whole outlook on it.

I've been single for a little over two years now.  Not by choice, but not because of lack of options either.  It just hasn't been happening for me.  And its very strange.  I used to date quite frequently when I was younger, and now that I am older I don't date at all.  Usually its the other way around, but of course I have to do things backwords.  Now, at first I was ok with it.  I mean, I'm not the type of girl that has to go from guy to guy to guy.  I learn from the relationships that I've been in and I like to take time to be by myself and have me time.  But that point kind of came and passed and I was still single.  By then I was just about to get out of high school and leave for college, so I figured, 'hey, its a good thing I dont have a boyfriend.'

Then I got to UNI, and all I could think about (not literally ALL, but I thought about it a lot) was finding someone to date.  I kept thinking, there has got to be someone here that I can find to date.  But noda.  Nothing.  No one at all.  I didn't even have any guys that were just friends.  Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  Who knows.

I get home, and then I think, maybe God will bring someone to me here.  But again nothing.

Then my mom gets the baby blues and gets me thinking about the marraige life.  Yea, nothing like the marraige life to put you in a state of depression about your current dating situation.  Now here is a huge oxi moron that has become my life for the past while.  I was hopeless, and searching.  I had no hope that I would ever find anyone, that I would ever meet a guy that would want me.  And yet I was searching, searching searching trying to find someone who would.

It was two nights ago while I was showering and praying (ya, that is weird to some of you, but I like to multitask, and I find that I am most peaceful and tranquil then.  So I find that its a good time to talk to God or sing worship songs to him) that he spoke to me.  I was going to being my worship music in with me and play it, but I had forgotten, which I think is a good thing, and you'll see why.

So I'm standing there praying.  Lord, please bring the right guy into my life.  Please let me not end up alone for the rest of my life.  God I hope that is not your plan for me because I don't think I can handle that.  I need to be loved, I need to get married Lord.  Maybe, if you just helped me to lose weight Lord (yea I went there too)  Help me to look prettier.  Something to help me find someone.

It was there that the Lord brought me to my knees.  There was no prophetic voice, there were no angels or magic signs, I didn't have visions.  Rather, I sat there in the silence with just the water beating around me.  And I knew that it was just me and God.  My daddy, showing me just how much I was loved.  He told me that I AM beautiful.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I AM loveable and I am someone worth being with.  He told me that he has a plan for me.  Just like the puzzle peices with Southeatern, he's got something special in store just for me, and he'll reveal it to me in time.  In HIS time.

So I'm not looking anymore.  I'm not in a time of no dating aloud (although my guess is that I'll still be single for awhile longer), but rather I'm not searching anymore.  I know that God has someone for me, and that in the right time I will find him, or he will find me.  I'm no longer searching out relationships, and I'm no longer hopeless.  I'm hopeFUL.  I am FULL of hope that my Lord has a plan for my life.  A plan that will make me happy, and a plan that will outshine my dreams.  Because my Father loves me.


I'm not quite sure that this quite fits with the ending of this post, but I wanted to share.  Last night Derek was preaching to the Junior Highers on dating.  And at the end of it he said something that really stuck with me. 

Its not about finding someone you can live with.  Its about finding someone that you can't live without.

Thats whats in store for me.  A love like that.  Someone who is unconditionally and wholly in love with me.  So I will skip all of the inconsequential, meaningless flings that could have been happening in these past two years, and I will keep my eyes on my Father.  For when the time is right I know I will find the right kind of love.  A love blessed and given by him.

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him."                                                                               Psalm 37:4-7

Did you Know?

Did you know, just how amazing God is?  Did you know, just how much God watches over us, and has this amazing intricate plan for our lives?  I didn't.

I've been a God fearing Christian all my life.  I have gone to church, I've read my Bible, and I've said my prayers.  I've had moments on the mountain tops and I've spent lots of time looming in the valleys.  But never did I know that God can work in the ways he does.  Maybe I knew it, but I never really WHOLE heartedly believed it.

I'd heard stories of people saying that God is leading them here, and that God spoke to them.  I've heard that this is the plan for thier lives and God had put it on their heart that this is right.  I've heard it all.  From Pastors, and missionaries, and friends.  But this is one thing that I have never experienced.  I don't know why that is. 

I used to spend all of my prayer time asking God to show me his will on my life.  To bring some sort of miraculous knowledge to my mind that I would know.  I would beg the Lord to tell me if a certain guy was the right guy, The One.  And I would never get my answer.  I would ask and ask the Lord, to please tell me which road to take out of the vast majority of winding trails.  Never would I know which to take.  I had my suspisions of what would make me happy and what would be the best path to take, but I had never felt the move of God on my life.  .Maybe I was too young, maybe I was not keen to the voice of God.  Maybe I was asking, but I wasn't really listening.  Who knows.

What I do know?  Is that God DOES move.  He can tell you, or he can put a move on your heart, or he can decide to leave you completely out of it and change the world around you to force it upon you.  However he decides to do it, he moves in our lives.  He moves in His timing, in His way.  And after eighteen years of life, I am standing completely in awe and amazement at God. 

I've done the church camp, where you feel the fire and the move on your life.  I've done the powerful sermons that put a yearning in your heart, and make you feel something.  I've done the struggling and feeling Gods love through it all.  But now, NOW its different.

I have this unbelievable passion for God.  I have this fire behind me that is making me feel things in a whole new light.  For once, the instanse when my future is the hardest and most scary, all I can feel is happiness, contentedness (is that a word?), love, and God.  He is moving in my life and I can feel it.  He's changed my world, he's moved my heart, and he's spoken in my life.  I'm at a point, and a high in my relationship with Him that I have never had before.

Today I was listening to worship music on my way to work, and I had gotten there a little early so I decided to listen to one of my favorites again while sitting in the parking lot.  So I moved my chair back, cranked up the volume and closed my eyes.  I let the serenity of the Holy One wash over me and consume me.  My head was completely empty except for the sounds of the twinkling piano and guitar and my thoughts of my gracious God.  When the song was over I opened my eyes and breathed a deep sigh of wholeness that filled me up.  All I could say was Thank. You. God.

God is here.  With me.  And I am in Love.  Period.  And I wanted you to Know.

Realization

So many of you know that this past week I was on a trip to Florida.  I've decided to sum up my trip in one word phrases.  I will explain a little later, but first, just let the words tell the story.  Feel free, let your mind wander.

Flying, ears, pain, late, shorts, cooking, beach, roxanne, GPS, Bi-polar, Idiot, St. Augustine, cool, pew-pew-pew, ow, schizofrania, early, Southeastern, love, God, prostitute, newbies, late, GPS again, bye.

........................................................................................

I flew on my very first plane last Thursday.  It was quite an experience.  I loved it a lot, and I was very stoked to cross off my very first item on my bucket list.  Another thing that awed me was the sun.  In the Quad Cities it was a rather doom-and-gloom day.  But once we were up in the air we got past the clouds and into the sun.  It was like a pure wall of dark clouds and then this big bright sun.  God does some awesome art work.  Try and beat that Van Gough.

But then at the end of both of my flights I got a pain in my ears.  Now I know the first thing that is going to come out of your mouh, 'you should've chewed gum!'  I am here to tell you that I was chewing gum.  I was chewing it vigorously.  My jaw hurt because I was chewing my gum so hard to try and get this pain to go away.  But it didn't.  It got worse and worse.  It felt like someone was stabbing my ears with knives, and I was literally sitting there in tears because it hurt so bad.  I thought it was interesting and made flying a little less fun.

I got there at 1230 and we didn't get to Anna's till 330.  Needless to say, I was exhausted.  We did a lot of cooking all week long, which was a blast.

We went to the beach, which was 15 minutes away from Anna's home.  And we used her GPS (first the husband GPS, then the real one) and it took us 2 and a half hours to get to that stinking beach.  It was insane.  Then on the beach we met Roxanne (who we named) and she thought she was some hot stuff on this beach.

*picture to come of dear Roxanne*

Then on the way home, Anna thought she was smarter than the GPS but got us lost.

I finally went on a college visit to the college that I have wanted to go to for three years.  I am so happy that my very dear friend encouraged me to go and look at it, because it is going to change my life.

I went on the visit and I fell in LOVE.  The campus is beautiful, the people are great, and God is everywhere!  It was like, everything I've ever been looking for in a school.

I feel like I've been on a journey the past few months.  I started walking down this path and God laid out a puzzle peice in front of me.  He then told me to pick up this puzzle peice and continue on.  Don't question the puzzle peice, don't worry about it.  Just pick it up, remember it, and keep on going.

Then while I'm walking, I come upon another puzzle peice.  Slowly I begin to pick up more and more and suddenly I have this little stash starting to form.  Then I got to Southeastern and God took all of these puzzle peices from me and laid them out before my very eyes.

He showed me my past, my present and my ever dear future.  He showed me what my life will be like.  He showed me what he wanted from me, and what he wanted for me.  I saw it all so clearly, and there wasn't even a question in my mind.

I always thought that if the day ever came when I would make this decision that there would be some sort of questioning, or worrying.  Its a big decision to move so far away.  But when its right, its right.  God totally put my heart at ease, and that was the final peice in the puzzle.  I knew; beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is right,

I prayed and prayed and prayed that I would be able to know what I was supposed to know.  That God would speak to me, and boy did he ever.

I am now at the point where I am excited for what is going to come, and I can hardly wait.  A lot of you may have different points of views on this, but let me tell you this-

God is greater than distance
     God is greater than your fears
           God is greater than your connections
   God knows what will make you happy
                            GOD knows, and he'll let you in on the secret if you ask.

God spoke this to me while I was sitting in Chapel at SEU:

              'You are God, of all else I'm letting Go'

And that is exactly what I'm doing.  I'm letting go of my fears, I'm letting go of my firm grasp on my family and friends, I'm letting go of what I do not know, I'm letting go of me and I'm giving it all to God.  This is my life, and I am loving it.

I   c a n n o t   e x p l a i n   t o   y o u   h o w   e x p o n e n t i o l l y   h a p p y   I   a m   r i g h t   n o w.

Miles and Minutes

Had a wonderful night with my lovely friends tonight.  Just sitting around and eating pie, and chatting.  Chatting about lots of life things, boys, girls, friends, work, school etc... etc...  It was wonderful to get together again and just talk, because a lot of us are busy and never really get the chance to talk to eachother.

Spending even these small few minutes out of my week with these important people was wonderful.  I realized how little I get to see these dear friends, and how much more I should cherish my time with them.

Lately I've been considering some big changes in my life and I'm torn as to what I'm supposed to do.  There has been a lot of prayer, a lot of research and a lot LOT of list making going on.  And no matter how much I talk about it, or no matter how many lists I make out, its not getting me closer to my decision.

There are a lot of consequences to think about, and a lot of things that are going to result from my making of this decision.  And that is a lot of pressure for me.  I can't make decisions as it is, but then theres this huge life changing thing, and I don't know what to do...

It's a lot of change, and a lot of thought.  Things I think I may need in my life.  So maybe this is a good thing.  I'm hoping and praying that this is a good thing.

Confessions

Lately I have been in a deep state of thought.  Lots of things going in and out.  Mostly they are just staying in and mulling around up in there.

Many of you have heard me say that working at a daycare has made me not want to have kids until I am 40.  That was for many reasons.  I see all of these poor little children get dropped off at five or six in the morning, and then they don't get picked up until five or six at night.  While they are at daycare, that is their home.  They spend more awake and functioning hours at that place, than they do in their own home with their parents.  And this is the price these children pay for their parents wanting careers, or wanting children at the wrong time.  Now I try as hard as I can not to pass judgement on these parents, because yes, I know I know, everyone has their reasons and I don't know the whole story there, but still.  This is the basic story of many of the children there.  Also, I have seen parents with their children trying to live their lives.  They can't really go anywhere or do anything because they have their children to take care of.  Their world is no longer about them, it is all about their children. 

Now not to sound selfish, but I am going to here in the next few minutes.  Seeing these things is why I didn't want to have children until later on.  Because things had changed since I was 10, and I didn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore.  I had all of these plans for a big career and for lots of things to happen after college.  I wanted lots of things in my life, and I did not want a child to interfere with that.  I also wanted to the freedom to live my life.  To spend years with my husband.  I wanted to be able to travel, to go out with friends, to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without the restraint of children at my side.  All of these things were at the forfront of my mind and no child was going to change that.  I would wait a long time until I was old and seasoned, and then I would bring a child into the world.  That was my plan, and I was ok with it.

Now I bet all of you are thinking, omg, she's pregnant.  Haha, no I most certainly am not.  But I have been thinking about my future life and motherhood lately.  Things have been shifting around and my priorities are re-aligning.  A career is no longer as important to me, living my life is no longer important to me.  Sure its there, but its not what I'm reaching for the most.

I have been reading a blog lately, by a mother.  She loves her children dearly and spends every moment that she can with them.  She absolutley adores her children, and you can see the unconditional love that she has for them.  That is the missing puzzle peice that I could not find when considering having children.  All I could ever see was the negativety of having children, and see these children basically abandoned at a daycare for twelve hours a day.  I was missing the thing that makes having children such a beauty.  I wasn't seeing the love, the wonderment and the joy of having and raising a child of your very own.

This is what I want.  And now that I have realized this, things have changed.  Sure, I would like to have a few years with my husband before I do have children.  But when the day comes that I do bring a child into this world, I want to be there for my child.  I want to love that child with my whole heart and I want to be there for every step, leap and fall.

Now I know that I have spent all of my Sunday afternoon doing homework, and preparing schoolwork.  And I know that I am not ready to have a husband, child or family.  But I now know that I am ready to start getting there.

Right Now

Right Now I am doing everything and I am doing nothing. There are things that important and things that mean absolutley nothing, and I'm doing them all. I feel complacent. And yet I feel simultaneously happy. Right now I feel kind of a vast array of emotions and thats ok.

Right Now I have a million different things going through my head and I wish I knew which path to take out of the seventy dirt roads spreading out before me. I am peaking down each one, just trying to get a glimpse at what my future would be like if I were to take it, and wondering if it is going to make me happy. I don't know what to do and I really wish I did. Right now, I am wishing that I had some sort of secret Book OF life, where I can look inside of it and see what my answers are supposed to be.

I have people asking me what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and all I can say is that, because it feels right. But thats not good enough because I need to have a list of priorities, and I need to make sure that I am doing what is going to fulfill my priorities and make me have a good life. And that is a lot of pressure to put on one measly college age student. I have my priorities, but it is very hard to know exactly which direction is going to bring me the greatest success.

So, right now, I have no idea. I'm going to go where the Lord leads me. I'm going to do what feels right, I'm going to do what makes me happy. I'm going to do it, because its my decision and I'm making it for me.

Right Now... I'm living life for me.