I've had this thing; weighing on my heart for awhile now. Weighing heavily, and even pulling me down at times. Dating. Oh, thats right, I just went there. All of my friends have or have had boyfriends recently, and even not so recently. We are discussing dating in our small groups with the Junior Highers. Oh and the most fun of all; my mother has baby fever and keeps talking about when I'm going to have kids. And all I can keep thinking is that I'll probably never get married, so she shouldn't hold out much hope for grandchildren from me. I know, this may seem pathetic and very debby downer. But thats pretty much become my whole outlook on it.
I've been single for a little over two years now. Not by choice, but not because of lack of options either. It just hasn't been happening for me. And its very strange. I used to date quite frequently when I was younger, and now that I am older I don't date at all. Usually its the other way around, but of course I have to do things backwords. Now, at first I was ok with it. I mean, I'm not the type of girl that has to go from guy to guy to guy. I learn from the relationships that I've been in and I like to take time to be by myself and have me time. But that point kind of came and passed and I was still single. By then I was just about to get out of high school and leave for college, so I figured, 'hey, its a good thing I dont have a boyfriend.'
Then I got to UNI, and all I could think about (not literally ALL, but I thought about it a lot) was finding someone to date. I kept thinking, there has got to be someone here that I can find to date. But noda. Nothing. No one at all. I didn't even have any guys that were just friends. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Who knows.
I get home, and then I think, maybe God will bring someone to me here. But again nothing.
Then my mom gets the baby blues and gets me thinking about the marraige life. Yea, nothing like the marraige life to put you in a state of depression about your current dating situation. Now here is a huge oxi moron that has become my life for the past while. I was hopeless, and searching. I had no hope that I would ever find anyone, that I would ever meet a guy that would want me. And yet I was searching, searching searching trying to find someone who would.
It was two nights ago while I was showering and praying (ya, that is weird to some of you, but I like to multitask, and I find that I am most peaceful and tranquil then. So I find that its a good time to talk to God or sing worship songs to him) that he spoke to me. I was going to being my worship music in with me and play it, but I had forgotten, which I think is a good thing, and you'll see why.
So I'm standing there praying. Lord, please bring the right guy into my life. Please let me not end up alone for the rest of my life. God I hope that is not your plan for me because I don't think I can handle that. I need to be loved, I need to get married Lord. Maybe, if you just helped me to lose weight Lord (yea I went there too) Help me to look prettier. Something to help me find someone.
It was there that the Lord brought me to my knees. There was no prophetic voice, there were no angels or magic signs, I didn't have visions. Rather, I sat there in the silence with just the water beating around me. And I knew that it was just me and God. My daddy, showing me just how much I was loved. He told me that I AM beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. There is nothing wrong with me. I AM loveable and I am someone worth being with. He told me that he has a plan for me. Just like the puzzle peices with Southeatern, he's got something special in store just for me, and he'll reveal it to me in time. In HIS time.
So I'm not looking anymore. I'm not in a time of no dating aloud (although my guess is that I'll still be single for awhile longer), but rather I'm not searching anymore. I know that God has someone for me, and that in the right time I will find him, or he will find me. I'm no longer searching out relationships, and I'm no longer hopeless. I'm hopeFUL. I am FULL of hope that my Lord has a plan for my life. A plan that will make me happy, and a plan that will outshine my dreams. Because my Father loves me.
I'm not quite sure that this quite fits with the ending of this post, but I wanted to share. Last night Derek was preaching to the Junior Highers on dating. And at the end of it he said something that really stuck with me.
Its not about finding someone you can live with. Its about finding someone that you can't live without.
Thats whats in store for me. A love like that. Someone who is unconditionally and wholly in love with me. So I will skip all of the inconsequential, meaningless flings that could have been happening in these past two years, and I will keep my eyes on my Father. For when the time is right I know I will find the right kind of love. A love blessed and given by him.
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:4-7
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