God is my Victory, and He is Here

Everybody has something that move them a certain way, and mine; like many others, is music.  When I hear a certain song, or think and reflect on the lyrics it has a way of moving my soul.  God knows this about me, and tonight when I was thinking about all of the bad things that are going on my life he put this song in my head.  One that I just learned a few months ago for worship team, but one that I had fallen in love with.  The song just stuck in my head and I knew that I had to go listen to it.

So I laid down on my bed with my Bible and my ipod, ready to listen to it while I did my devotional reading.  But as the song began playing, I just closed my eyes and laid my head in my hands and listened to the words that were pouring into me. 

This is my prayer in the Desert
when all thats within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
my God is the God who provides

This is what was on my heart tonight, and for along while previously.  I have many things in my life that I wish were happening and going, but yet I feel like nothing is moving along.  And I sit and I dwell on these things and I feel like my life is somehow incomplete, or my life is somehow not good enough until these things start to happen.  In my mind, nothing is well until I get what I feel I need.  And yet somehow, even when God gives me some of the desires that I long for, there is still a long grocery list there for me to count off from.

Then, the bridge of the song came on.  And I knew these words were for me:

all of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship

Over and over again I heard them singing those words and I realized just how selfish I was being.

Yes, I may not have a job, I may be single and getting nowhere nearer to my dream of being married, I may feel far from home, I may feel alone sometimes, but there are still things to praise about.  I have a suite full of amazing God-fearing women who are inspiring me and moving me to be the woman of God that I know I can be.  I am at a school where I can feel God moving in my life more than ever, I have food to eat, I am getting a fantastic education, I live in a country where I won't be killed for my faith, I'm getting plugged in at an amazing church, and I'm getting involved in an awesome ministry... On and on and on the list goes.  In EVERY season, HE is still GOD.  That doesn't change because you have a bad day, or because things don't go your way.  There are so many other amazing things that God has done and is doing in my life, and all I can focus on is what isn't happening.

Phillipians 4:8 says this "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things"

I love the Lord my God with all of my heart, and I know that he has this amazing plan for me.  My God is the God who provides, and He has provided abundantly for me.  My fears about tomorrow shouldn't stand in the way of my praise today.

I love what Pastor Jason Burns said at Access on Sunday
                     "What you fear, sets the boundaries for your freedom."

All I know is that I want complete and total freedom in my Father, and that can only be done by giving up my fears and anxieties of what I think I need and giving it up to him.

Phillipians 4:5-6 "The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I will bring praise, I will bring praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain, I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my victory and HE IS HERE

Take me where You please

And these three remain

FAITH
     HOPE
       and LOVE.

I am a hard headed person.  And I know that it takes a lot to get through to me.  A LOT.  Because when I want something, I want it.  I'll stop at nothing until I've reached my goal.  And I do this thing, where I put all of these stipulations on my life.  I want this, and I'm going to do that.  This is how my life is going to be.  And God says, no. 

Proverbs 16: 9
       In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

I'm sitting here telling God (and do you realize how not smart it is, when you are telling the almighty God something) the way I want my life to go.  I'm demanding this and saying that I need this.  I'm saying that come four years down the road, this is where my life will be.  And God is just sitting there shaking his head at me.

HE made me.  HE has a plan for me.  But my thick head can't comprehend that.  Which is why God has to break me.  Utterly and completely break me, before I listen.  And so he has.

Sitting at renew on Tuesday I could feel His presence.  It was one of those worship times where instead of singing and shouting his praise, I felt like I was supposed to sit back and enstill myself in the presence of the Lord.  So I laid my head back against the wall, closed my eyes and let the glory of my Father wash over me.  I didn't know this then, but I realize now that He was preparing my heart.  I've had a lot running through my mind lately and its hard for me to push it all out while listening to sermons.  But during this praise and worship time I could just feel my mind being washed and becoming an empty slate for God to write His words on.  So by the end of worship time my heart was ready to get completely wrecked by God.

Chris Owen comes up, and starts talking about Charath.  And charath means to be cut down to size.  He spoke on the story of Elijah and all that he had to go through before he was at the place that God wanted him to be.  I think one of my favorite things that he said was, "Sometimes God will dry up the rivers in your life in order to get you to move somewhere else."  But throughout this sermon I knew it was me.  I knew that God wanted me to hear this.  And it wasn't any specific thing that he had said, or a certain emotion that I felt, I think it was just the state of my heart; but leaving the coffee shop all I felt like doing was crying.  I just felt like sitting down and balling my eyes out.

What I realize is this:

My life is not my own.  I was made for a purpose, and I was made with a plan.  I'm holding onto the rope of my life so tightly that I'm leaving no room for God to place His hands and take over.  All I keep saying is, its mine, its mine, its mine when God is telling me to give it to Him and He'll take care of it all.  So, here it is.  I'm giving it up, and laying it down.  My life is yours, take me where you please.


I'll leave you with some songs that God has been putting on my heart:

Your thoughts are higher than mine.  Your words are deeper than mine.  Your love is stronger than mine.  This is no sacrifice, here's my life.

Your will above all else, still my purpose remains.  The art of losing myself in bringing you praise.  My heart and my soul Lord I give you control, consume me from the inside out.

Calling

Well, what a fun filled weekend I had with some awesome ladies. But I think the best thing of all was sitting and listening to jessie's mom talk.

We were sitting at the breakfast table this morning all talking different things and then she just began talking about Gods will for our lives and how we are servants and such. And I really loved it. You could feel the spirit of God moving through that woman and everything she said had relevance in my life. She really reminded me of how we are to live our lives ministering to others and caring for those in need.

Often, especially lately I have been struggling with the fact that I haven't felt this huge calling on my life. I've been begging God to reveal to me what His plan is and what I'm supposed to be aiming for. And slowly but surely I've realized that I've had the calling all along I was just ignoring it because I didn't think it was big enough to be a life mission. But it is! No job is too small of a job in the kingdom of God! I may not be called to go serve as an underground missionary in China, but I know what I am called to do and I know that it's going to make a difference in some lives. I know that I am going to change somebody's life and that shows me that my calling is enough.