A little Bit...

There's a bit of my soul that wants to let go. There's a bit of my heart that wants to hold on. There's a part of me that wants to know what needs to happen, and a portion that dosn't know what to do. I feel differently about it everyday, and I never feel the same. Sometimes I'm obsessed, sometimes I just don't care. SOMETIMES, I have no idea. Most often than not, I have no idea. But thats just me. And its a part of me that makes me who I am. I dont know if God intended it to be this way, or if I just am becuase somewhere I screwed up. Most of the time, I figure that I just screwed up. I haven't been able to step foward, and I thought that was out of choice, because I was just waiting. But now I'm wondering if I really just can't. Maybe its God who is holding out? Or maybe its me, who is... well, screwed up. Maybe I'm not at the right place, maybe its not the right time. MAYBE, its not meant for me? No. Not it at all. I'm not broken anymore, and I don't hurt anymore. So I dont understand why instead of moving foward, I'm just becoming spread further and further, as my desires and wants in life move foward, while my feet are planted firmly in the past. HONESTLY, honestly, h o n e s t l y. . . Thats just it. I become honest and stop telling myself stories, and I dont know where to go or what to get at. I can't fix myself, this is why I've given it over to the Lord. Whatever his will is, I will be ready and willing for it come.

I've already put this into practice into other areas of my life, and I am proud to say that I have a decision that I am very happy about and I know that is something that is going to bring G R E A T joy and peace to my heart. I am so excited to take this step of faith and see where God is going to lead me with it. After such a long time of tormenting myself and just being torn over what was the right decision, and what was the smart, I am just happy to be instilled with this peace over what I am going to be doing. And as a great friend of mine once said, "Wherever you go, God will open doors for you" and I know that my time was not for nothing, that I have planted some seeds, and I also know that as I keep moving foward that God will open a tremendous amount of doors in my life.

Friday Night Medetations

So, sitting here alone on a Friday night I have had a little while to think about things and kind of meditate on the things in my life. For the past while I have been debating A LOT of things and really just trying to figure out which way I am supposed to be going and what God wants me to do. And no, I dont have some glorious revelation or even an answer at all. The truth is, I'm just as clueless as I was before. But I think I'm closer to knowing.

I feel like things are slowly falling into place. Not that my knowlede has suddenly been cleared and I can see the right path in front of me. But I just feel like I am getting closer and closer to the right choice. And it worries me SO much becuase I am always thinking about the future and how the decisions that I make right now are impacting that, and I worry so much that if I change things or do something that I am going to somehow screw up my future.

But I know that as long as I let God guide me in my decision and let him be the center of my life and the reason for all my works, that he will give me an awesome and fullfilling life.

BUT..........

Decisions have GOT to be made and soon. So I ask that you pray for me, becuase I really need some guidance and wisdom because there are days when I just feel so clueless as to what I am supposed to do.

Decisions that must be made

I was given a lot to think about tonight. I have been thinking these thoughts for awhile, but I never really knew where to go with them. It is just a cacophony of thoughts going in an array of ways. I don't know what to do. I'm deciding between quite a number of different things and I have no idea which is right, which thing would be the best and I don't know what to decide, AT ALL. I hate being so confused, and I hate the feeling of uncertainty. I feel... well, alone. And I feel, as I've said, confused, and lost and just plain baffled. And then I think that maybe some of my feelings are for a reason. Like, maybe I'm not supposed to be comfortable because its not where I'm supposed to be. Maybe it's God's way of telling me that He wants a change in my life. Like Pastor Rooks sermon about 'Putting Rocks in the Nest.' Maybe it wont feel right until it's HIS kind of right.

m
a
y
b
e

I quite hate that word becuase there is absolutely no certainty in that word. Which I guess explains my life at the moment. It shouldn't be a struggle. Is that right? I never thought of it like that. But I just don't know. Maybe it will be different in a few weeks? I'm lost in a world where there aren't any answers, atleast not at the moment. I'm in a state of prayer, yes thats right, warfare prayer. I shall not be confused for much longer!

Change

Today I was walking to one of my classes, and there was a lot of religous things happening on campus (i.e. there were men in suits handing out bibles, and people with rather large signs yelling about heaven and hell) and it got my mind turning in circles about God and his love and his plans for me. And that's when I felt it. I don't remember ever feeling it before, but I just felt God's love circle around me and fill up inside of me, and I felt completely filled with love and happiness. Then all of a sudden the clouds fell apart and there was sun shining all around me and there was a gust of beautiful fall wind the came up behind me. Now this can be justified as just a feeling, and just mother nature, but I being the believer that I am, and knowing exactly how it felt, know that it was God pouring out and shining down his love upon me.

I've been pondering for awhile about the things that I want to happen, and what I think I should be doing to get where I think I need to be going. And I've realized that its really easy to get caught up in these kinds of things and forget who holds our lives in the palm of his hand. I can do anything I want to do, but in the end, it's Gods path that I'm going to want to end up on. He has this timing, and its miraculous, becuase its perfect timing. He has a plan, a time, and a season for everything. And I can push all I want to try and make something happen, but it wont happen (or it wont happen right) until God's hand is fully in it and upon it.

This is where I faulter. Yes, I love God, with everything in my being, and I believe that he should have utter and complete control over my life. But even though I do believe that, its harder to do. I find myself constantly trying to find solutions to all these problems that I find in my life, either that or I just find myself fretting over these problems for a long time and I end up letting it get the best of me and its all that I can think about. Just last week, I found myself faced with a dilema, and I thought about it and I called my parents to ask for advice, and then I prayed about it (and yes, I did do this in backwards order of what I should have) but I decided that I would put it in God's hands and that whatever happened, it was his will, and that it was what he wanted. Then yesterday when I got the news, I wasn't at all content with it and found myself wondering if I wasn't good enough. And I had to keep on telling myself that it was what was supposed to happen, and that God knows what he's doing and I don't.

So, I really have no big inspiration, or a philosophical statement. More just some things that were on my mind and some things that are going on in my life. I'm praying hard that I can be who God wants me to be, and not fret about things that I think matter.

It will happen in time. His time.

Stagecraft

Today I had to do my 2 hour workshop for my stagecraft class. I was kind of dreading it because I dont know anything about tools or building things and I was thinking that I was going to be the clueless one standing around just dumbfounded. (and I was for a little bit, but not much! :) And I was also thinking that this wasnt going to be my forte because I like acting, and I like directing and creating. More of the imaginative things, not the crunstructive things.

But once I got into doing it, I loved it! I still have a lot to learn, and I didn't do everything the greatest, but I sure had fun doing it. I felt really industrial. I didnt even want to leave when my two hours were done, and now I'm really excited to get to do a whole semester of this.

I dont really know why I felt that this was important to share this. I'm just like the fact that the more I learn about theater, the more excited I get to spend the rest of my life doing it.