Confessions

Lately I have been in a deep state of thought.  Lots of things going in and out.  Mostly they are just staying in and mulling around up in there.

Many of you have heard me say that working at a daycare has made me not want to have kids until I am 40.  That was for many reasons.  I see all of these poor little children get dropped off at five or six in the morning, and then they don't get picked up until five or six at night.  While they are at daycare, that is their home.  They spend more awake and functioning hours at that place, than they do in their own home with their parents.  And this is the price these children pay for their parents wanting careers, or wanting children at the wrong time.  Now I try as hard as I can not to pass judgement on these parents, because yes, I know I know, everyone has their reasons and I don't know the whole story there, but still.  This is the basic story of many of the children there.  Also, I have seen parents with their children trying to live their lives.  They can't really go anywhere or do anything because they have their children to take care of.  Their world is no longer about them, it is all about their children. 

Now not to sound selfish, but I am going to here in the next few minutes.  Seeing these things is why I didn't want to have children until later on.  Because things had changed since I was 10, and I didn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore.  I had all of these plans for a big career and for lots of things to happen after college.  I wanted lots of things in my life, and I did not want a child to interfere with that.  I also wanted to the freedom to live my life.  To spend years with my husband.  I wanted to be able to travel, to go out with friends, to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without the restraint of children at my side.  All of these things were at the forfront of my mind and no child was going to change that.  I would wait a long time until I was old and seasoned, and then I would bring a child into the world.  That was my plan, and I was ok with it.

Now I bet all of you are thinking, omg, she's pregnant.  Haha, no I most certainly am not.  But I have been thinking about my future life and motherhood lately.  Things have been shifting around and my priorities are re-aligning.  A career is no longer as important to me, living my life is no longer important to me.  Sure its there, but its not what I'm reaching for the most.

I have been reading a blog lately, by a mother.  She loves her children dearly and spends every moment that she can with them.  She absolutley adores her children, and you can see the unconditional love that she has for them.  That is the missing puzzle peice that I could not find when considering having children.  All I could ever see was the negativety of having children, and see these children basically abandoned at a daycare for twelve hours a day.  I was missing the thing that makes having children such a beauty.  I wasn't seeing the love, the wonderment and the joy of having and raising a child of your very own.

This is what I want.  And now that I have realized this, things have changed.  Sure, I would like to have a few years with my husband before I do have children.  But when the day comes that I do bring a child into this world, I want to be there for my child.  I want to love that child with my whole heart and I want to be there for every step, leap and fall.

Now I know that I have spent all of my Sunday afternoon doing homework, and preparing schoolwork.  And I know that I am not ready to have a husband, child or family.  But I now know that I am ready to start getting there.