Decisions that must be made

I was given a lot to think about tonight. I have been thinking these thoughts for awhile, but I never really knew where to go with them. It is just a cacophony of thoughts going in an array of ways. I don't know what to do. I'm deciding between quite a number of different things and I have no idea which is right, which thing would be the best and I don't know what to decide, AT ALL. I hate being so confused, and I hate the feeling of uncertainty. I feel... well, alone. And I feel, as I've said, confused, and lost and just plain baffled. And then I think that maybe some of my feelings are for a reason. Like, maybe I'm not supposed to be comfortable because its not where I'm supposed to be. Maybe it's God's way of telling me that He wants a change in my life. Like Pastor Rooks sermon about 'Putting Rocks in the Nest.' Maybe it wont feel right until it's HIS kind of right.

m
a
y
b
e

I quite hate that word becuase there is absolutely no certainty in that word. Which I guess explains my life at the moment. It shouldn't be a struggle. Is that right? I never thought of it like that. But I just don't know. Maybe it will be different in a few weeks? I'm lost in a world where there aren't any answers, atleast not at the moment. I'm in a state of prayer, yes thats right, warfare prayer. I shall not be confused for much longer!

Change

Today I was walking to one of my classes, and there was a lot of religous things happening on campus (i.e. there were men in suits handing out bibles, and people with rather large signs yelling about heaven and hell) and it got my mind turning in circles about God and his love and his plans for me. And that's when I felt it. I don't remember ever feeling it before, but I just felt God's love circle around me and fill up inside of me, and I felt completely filled with love and happiness. Then all of a sudden the clouds fell apart and there was sun shining all around me and there was a gust of beautiful fall wind the came up behind me. Now this can be justified as just a feeling, and just mother nature, but I being the believer that I am, and knowing exactly how it felt, know that it was God pouring out and shining down his love upon me.

I've been pondering for awhile about the things that I want to happen, and what I think I should be doing to get where I think I need to be going. And I've realized that its really easy to get caught up in these kinds of things and forget who holds our lives in the palm of his hand. I can do anything I want to do, but in the end, it's Gods path that I'm going to want to end up on. He has this timing, and its miraculous, becuase its perfect timing. He has a plan, a time, and a season for everything. And I can push all I want to try and make something happen, but it wont happen (or it wont happen right) until God's hand is fully in it and upon it.

This is where I faulter. Yes, I love God, with everything in my being, and I believe that he should have utter and complete control over my life. But even though I do believe that, its harder to do. I find myself constantly trying to find solutions to all these problems that I find in my life, either that or I just find myself fretting over these problems for a long time and I end up letting it get the best of me and its all that I can think about. Just last week, I found myself faced with a dilema, and I thought about it and I called my parents to ask for advice, and then I prayed about it (and yes, I did do this in backwards order of what I should have) but I decided that I would put it in God's hands and that whatever happened, it was his will, and that it was what he wanted. Then yesterday when I got the news, I wasn't at all content with it and found myself wondering if I wasn't good enough. And I had to keep on telling myself that it was what was supposed to happen, and that God knows what he's doing and I don't.

So, I really have no big inspiration, or a philosophical statement. More just some things that were on my mind and some things that are going on in my life. I'm praying hard that I can be who God wants me to be, and not fret about things that I think matter.

It will happen in time. His time.

Stagecraft

Today I had to do my 2 hour workshop for my stagecraft class. I was kind of dreading it because I dont know anything about tools or building things and I was thinking that I was going to be the clueless one standing around just dumbfounded. (and I was for a little bit, but not much! :) And I was also thinking that this wasnt going to be my forte because I like acting, and I like directing and creating. More of the imaginative things, not the crunstructive things.

But once I got into doing it, I loved it! I still have a lot to learn, and I didn't do everything the greatest, but I sure had fun doing it. I felt really industrial. I didnt even want to leave when my two hours were done, and now I'm really excited to get to do a whole semester of this.

I dont really know why I felt that this was important to share this. I'm just like the fact that the more I learn about theater, the more excited I get to spend the rest of my life doing it.

Depth

Today in my Lit. class we were discussing furthering your education, and things that go along those lines. The first thing we discussed was knowing where your going. When you are 18 years old, you have many many people asking you what you are going to do with your life, where your going to be in ten, or twenty years, etc, etc. Now think about this, you are 18 years old. Your life isn't even 1/4 over yet, and you have someone asking what your going to be doing for the rest of it. Does this make sense to you? College isn't about perfecting what your going to be doing, its about finding out what you should be doing. College is about self-realization. You can have an idea of what you like, or what you think you may be doing further down the road, but don't set your life in stone just yet. Life gives you some pretty interesting twists and turns, and sometimes the path your on breaks completely, and you have to find a new way to go. But if your worried about how you think your life should be going, then you never get to take the road that is set before you, because your too busy trying to follow your own.

We also talked about learning, and why people hate going to class and learning about things. Now, I am the number one example for this with math and science. I have always hated math and science with a fiery passion. My reasoning was that I wasn't any good at it and that it wasn't interesting, and that it didn't apply to real life situations. This is the view that many people have when it comes to certain educational experiences, and it ruins our learning becuase of it. We're always too focused on how much we hate the subject to actually see the beauty in it. Instead of focusing on the things that we hate about it, we need to try to make it fun. How do we make it fun? Thats up to you! What interests you in life? What makes things fun for you? If you like to read stories then turn what you learning into a story. If you like theater, turn what you learning into a production. I had never thought of this before and the realization was like a light bulb going off! Now when I go to class, I love it!

I dont know if this sounds really dumb, but I thought it was really interesting to discuss in class.

<3

Jesus Culture - King of Glory

This song really touched my heart tonight, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. :)

Wonderings...

Lately I have been having some serious thoughts about my future. When I tell people what my major is, they will ask me what exactly it is that I would like to do with my major once I get out of college. I tell everyone that at first I will most likely do some behind stage work at a theater. Then hopefully I will get into designing and then directing. And then my big dream is to own a theater someday.

I can't help but feel silly while telling people my dream in life. I know that is a really large dream, and that it seems nearly impossible. When telling people this, I see the scrutiny in their eyes and the judgement flash across their face, like, 'Does she really think that that is ever going to happen?' And I know it may seem like that to many people. Even sometimes to myself it just seems like a pipe dream. More and more everyday I think about what goes into making a business, all the guidelines and rules that you have to follow, hiring and firing people, paying people, paying all the bills, getting inventory and stock on all the things that you need, advertising, and on top of it all, there is what I want to do with the theater. I want to write, I want to direct, I want to coreograph. This is all so much and so HUGE.

But then, I realize, that God is the One who had put all of this upon my heart, and he is the One who has given me this dream to follow. In 1 Corithians 10:13 it says: "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it." I know this verse is common for those who are going through trials in their lives, and those who feel like the world is crashing down upon them. But I also feel that this verse can apply here as well.

God has given me a dream, and a big one at that. He would not have given me this dream, if it were not something that I could handle, and if it were not something that was feasible for me to do. Now, from where I am in life right now, no I could not do this. But this is why God takes you on a certain path, and a certain course in life. So that you can grow and build yourself up in Christ, and so you can become who you need to be, to fulfill God's plan.

Just remember, that no matter who you are or where your at that God's plan is never too big. He is the creater of the heavens and the earth, and the sky and the sea. And he can help you, to follow your (and his) dreams.

When Life Begins

I have started college this week. It has been a mix of many emotions, most of which I never thought that I would experience whilst going to college. Home has been my biggest problem. I miss it terribly. More than I thought that I would. I knew that I was really close to my family, and I knew that I would miss them but I did not expect the amount of emotion that I felt being seperated from my parents. I wanted to just pack up all of my things and move back home. I did not think that college was going to be fun, and I did not think that I was going to enjoy the year at all. I was already planning ways of tranfering and schools that were closer that I could attend while staying at home.

But after sticking it out I realized just how much I did like college. I do still miss home, quite a lot, but I began enjoying college and all the things that come along with that. I've realized that there is a point when you do have to grow up. Where, no matter how much it does hurt, you must seperate from your parents and begin to become your own person. I have to realize who I am on my own. I can't always have my parents there to guide me and make all of my decisions. There is going to come a point when I am going to have to decide where I want to go, what I want to do, who I want to date, and how I want to live my life. And its not up to my parents to make those decisions. They raised me, and now it is time for me to take all that I have learned and apply it to my life and be strong about it.

So I am going to take this year of college, and I am going to embrace it. I am going to take oppurtunity for the most I can, be the best I can be, and live life the way God intended me to.